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Remember M.E.: Why I’m Missing Today

Published on May 9, 2020 by DreamingPanda4 Comments

Today was Graduation Day for my master’s degree…

But I’m not graduating.

And I don’t mean that I’m not getting an in-person ceremony, the same as the rest of the class of 2020. I mean that I’m not graduating because my illness forced me to leave grad school halfway through a degree.

For years, I had planned on going to grad school, getting a PhD, and then becoming a professor. I liked school and liked the tutoring job I had in college, so I thought teaching and researching at a university was what I wanted. Continue reading “Remember M.E.: Why I’m Missing Today” →

Why These Myths About Suicide Are So Harmful

Published on September 30, 2019January 12, 2024 by DreamingPanda6 Comments

[Trigger warning: this post contains discussions of personal experiences with suicidal thoughts and misconceptions. If you’re in an emergency, please call the National Suicide Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or dial 911.]

No one needs to know, I told myself as I sat frozen, staring at my phone. I don’t need to call him, I tried to convince myself. I remembered how I promised I would if the thoughts came back, yet as soon as I pulled up my doctor’s number, I set my phone back down and started talking myself out of the call once more. Continue reading “Why These Myths About Suicide Are So Harmful” →

The Criminal No One Can Stop: When Illness Is a Crime Scene

Published on August 7, 2019 by DreamingPanda5 Comments

“Choose one,” the masked man growled as I stood in the doorway, frozen in fear. “It’s either the painting or the pearls.”

I tried to get the words out, but the mere sight of the crowbar in his hands and the open window had already stolen my voice. I reached for my purse to find my phone, not daring to lose eye contact, but before I could call 911, he whisked out a lighter from his back pocket.

“You have five seconds to pick one or I’ll burn the whole place down instead.”

Continue reading “The Criminal No One Can Stop: When Illness Is a Crime Scene” →

What Mental Health Awareness Means When Chronically Ill

Published on May 28, 2019July 1, 2023 by DreamingPandaLeave a comment

As someone with a chronic illness that was once misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder, but who also does have mental health issues, it’s a constant balancing act trying to understand my brain while convincing doctors that mental illness is only one of my problems.

For eight years, the conclusion was that I was sick because I was depressed. (Since when did depression cause visible joint inflammation?) Even as a kid, I knew better than to believe that.

I was only thirteen the first time a doctor misattributed my physical illness to my poor mental health, but I knew that I knew myself and my body better than a doctor who’d just met me:

“I’m not sick because I’m depressed,” I growled. “I’m depressed because I’m sick.”

Continue reading “What Mental Health Awareness Means When Chronically Ill” →

Why Autoimmune Encephalitis Doctors Need to Stop Ignoring PANS

Published on February 22, 2019July 1, 2023 by DreamingPanda1 Comment

Today is World Encephalitis Day, and I want to take a moment to shed some light on a certain controversy within the PANS and encephalitis communities:

Is PANS a form of autoimmune encephalitis, or is it something else?

Back in 2014, in a matter of weeks, I went from being a typical college student earning straight-A’s to a psychiatric cripple who was afraid to eat and didn’t want to exist anymore. I also lost the ability to walk, was overcome with constant involuntary movements, and couldn’t stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.

How could a person develop sudden-onset Tourette’s, narcolepsy, bipolar symptoms, and severe coordination problems simultaneously in isolation from each other?

Continue reading “Why Autoimmune Encephalitis Doctors Need to Stop Ignoring PANS” →

8 Essentials for University Success with a Disability: How to Build a Bulletproof Support System

Published on August 29, 2018 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

I have a disability.

I never thought those four words would describe me, especially at twenty-three, but in my first few days as a graduate student, they’ve become a heavy truth I have no choice but to accept—and at the same time, they’ve turned into a statement of empowerment.

Continue reading “8 Essentials for University Success with a Disability: How to Build a Bulletproof Support System” →

These 3 Myths about PANS Are Ruining Lives: A Response to Misguided Medicine

Published on July 11, 2018January 12, 2024 by DreamingPanda13 Comments

In 2012, when I developed an extreme case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder overnight, all I wanted was to get better—not to spend the next six years fighting to get treatment for a “controversial” disease. However, when conventional therapies failed, and I rapidly declined after Strep and mono two years later, only steroids were able to help my severe psychiatric symptoms. It was then that I realized the truth wasn’t always easy to accept: Continue reading “These 3 Myths about PANS Are Ruining Lives: A Response to Misguided Medicine” →

10 Ways to Feel Less Hopeless When Chronically Ill

Published on April 25, 2018 by DreamingPanda8 Comments

“I just can’t keep going.”

“I feel completely hopeless.”

“How can anyone live like this?”

These messages come to my inbox nearly every week from kids and teenagers who think PANS or Lyme is the end of the life they once loved; from adults who’ve been fighting for years, unsure how much longer they can go through the cycle of relapse, treatment, and recovery; and even from parents who are tired of being too strong for too long.

Continue reading “10 Ways to Feel Less Hopeless When Chronically Ill” →