Tag: Encephalitis

Why These Myths About Suicide Are So Harmful

Published on by TheDreamingPanda4 Comments

[Trigger warning: this post contains discussions of personal experiences with suicidal thoughts and misconceptions. If you’re in an emergency, please call the National Suicide Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or dial 911.]

 

No one needs to know, I told myself as I sat frozen, staring at my phone. I don’t need to call him, I tried to convince myself. I remembered how I promised I would if the thoughts came back, yet as soon as I pulled up my doctor’s number, I set my phone back down and started talking myself out of the call once more. Continue reading “Why These Myths About Suicide Are So Harmful” →

Why Autoimmune Encephalitis Doctors Need to Stop Ignoring PANS

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Today is World Encephalitis Day, and I want to take a moment to shed some light on a certain controversy within the PANS and encephalitis communities:

Is PANS a form of autoimmune encephalitis, or is it something else?

Back in 2014, in a matter of weeks, I went from being a typical college student earning straight-A’s to a psychiatric cripple who was afraid to eat and didn’t want to exist anymore.  I also lost the ability to walk, was overcome with constant involuntary movements, and couldn’t stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.

How could a person develop sudden-onset Tourette’s, narcolepsy, bipolar symptoms, and severe coordination problems simultaneously in isolation from each other? 

Continue reading “Why Autoimmune Encephalitis Doctors Need to Stop Ignoring PANS” →

The Questions No One Should Have to Ask: Life on the Verge of Relapse

Published on by TheDreamingPanda9 Comments

As I opened my eyes to the morning sunlight peeking through my blinds, for a feel blissful seconds, I forgot the many reasons I shouldn’t feel as calm as I did in that moment.  But not a minute later, it all came rushing back, and my stomach did a somersault.

I rolled over and saw a missed call from my infusion pharmacy, and all at once I remembered the horrible quandary I’m in.  I remembered the unfortunate events that led to it.  And worst of all, I remembered that losing access to monthly IVIG treatments could mean I was on the verge of a relapse that would make me lose my mind. Continue reading “The Questions No One Should Have to Ask: Life on the Verge of Relapse” →

8 Essentials for University Success with a Disability: How to Build a Bulletproof Support System

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I have a disability.

I never thought those four words would describe me, especially at twenty-three, but in my first few days as a graduate student, they’ve become a heavy truth I have no choice but to accept—and at the same time, they’ve turned into a statement of empowerment.

Continue reading “8 Essentials for University Success with a Disability: How to Build a Bulletproof Support System” →

When Getting Better Hurts More Than Staying Sick: The Paradox of Recovery

Published on by TheDreamingPanda12 Comments

In the last couple of months, I’ve had a breakthrough in my recovery.  After being mostly couch-bound since January, I’m now able to run.  And my cognitive abilities have improved so much that I just finished a small project.  So many things I’ve hoped for have become reality!

I thought I’d feel nothing but elation if I ever got back to this point, but instead, now that I’m here…

I’ve found a dark side that no one wants to talk about.

Continue reading “When Getting Better Hurts More Than Staying Sick: The Paradox of Recovery” →

The Part of PANS/Encephalitis Recovery We Don’t Talk About

Published on by TheDreamingPanda14 Comments

For the last eleven years of being sick, time has been my enemy. 

The first sign I was ill was that I started moving in slow-motion—I lost awareness of time passing.  Doctors thought it was late-onset Attention-Deficit Disorder. Instead, as I’d find out eight years later, my immune system was attacking my brain.

Continue reading “The Part of PANS/Encephalitis Recovery We Don’t Talk About” →

Why I’m Doing Better Than I Think

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These days, when friends ask how I am, I tell them I’m fantastic—and for a moment, I almost believe it.

I tell them about my new projects. I tell them about grad school in the fall. I tell them about a professional development program this summer. When I talk about everything I’m doing, I fool everyone—even myself—into thinking I’m healthy. Continue reading “Why I’m Doing Better Than I Think” →

I Don’t Know Anymore

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Well, after dreading it and hoping and praying it wouldn’t happen again, I’ve just had another bad flare.

On my way to class last week, I overheard someone say she had Strep throat.

No. I can’t flare again, I thought to myself. It’s not going to happen. I’m still on antibiotics. I’ve had two IVIGs. I should have plenty of good antibodies if I’m exposed. I’ll be fine…

But then, when I got to class and saw one of my lab mates who hadn’t been around in a few days, I asked where he’d been—and immediately wished I hadn’t:

“Oh, I had strep throat. It was a really bad one!” Continue reading “I Don’t Know Anymore” →