As I opened my eyes to the morning sunlight peeking through my blinds, for a feel blissful seconds, I forgot the many reasons I shouldn’t feel as calm as I did in that moment. But not a minute later, it all came rushing back, and my stomach did a somersault.
I rolled over and saw a missed call from my infusion pharmacy, and all at once I remembered the horrible quandary I’m in. I remembered the unfortunate events that led to it. And worst of all, I remembered that losing access to monthly IVIG treatments could mean I was on the verge of a relapse that would make me lose my mind. Continue reading “The Questions No One Should Have to Ask: Life on the Verge of Relapse”
Hi everyone, I’m excited to share that tomorrow (Saturday) is the launch of the first-ever teleconference support group for teens and adults with PANS, AE, Lyme and other similar/related conditions. Let this be your official invitation!
Join me at 2PM EST (7PM GMT) tomorrow.
Call (605) 472-5395, and enter the meeting ID: 339705.
Continue reading “Announcement: PANS/AE/Lyme Teleconference Tomorrow!”
For the last twelve years of being sick, I’ve been embarrassed by all of the ways my disease makes me “different” from everyone else. I may try to fit in, but I’m always waiting for the moment when people discover the truth about me.
From not being able to attend public high school, to going to therapy and appointments instead of hanging out with friends, to living with OCD and chronic pain, my experiences as a person with PANS and Lyme have isolated me from my peers when all I wanted was to be “normal” and feel accepted. Continue reading “My Illness Made Me Feel Like a Freak: Why I’m Done Trying to Be “Normal””
In the last couple of months, I’ve had a breakthrough in my recovery. After being mostly couch-bound since January, I’m now able to run. And my cognitive abilities have improved so much that I just finished a small project. So many things I’ve hoped for have become reality!
I thought I’d feel nothing but elation if I ever got back to this point, but instead, now that I’m here…
I’ve found a dark side that no one wants to talk about.
Continue reading “When Getting Better Hurts More Than Staying Sick: The Paradox of Recovery”
In June 2014, I lost my body.
Over seventeen hours, I watched in shock as my body grew a mind of its own, erupting in wild, bizarre movements I couldn’t control. What started as innocuous twitches in my legs grew into full-body thrashes and twists and jerks over the course of one day. And then I realized I couldn’t walk, because every few steps, my legs gave out and sent me collapsing to the floor. Continue reading “I Woke up in a Body I Didn’t Recognize: Living with Involuntary Movements”
For the last eleven years of being sick, time has been my enemy.
The first sign I was ill was that I started moving in slow-motion—I lost awareness of time passing. Doctors thought it was late-onset Attention-Deficit Disorder. Instead, as I’d find out eight years later, my immune system was attacking my brain.
Continue reading “The Part of PANS/Encephalitis Recovery We Don’t Talk About”
These days, when friends ask how I am, I tell them I’m fantastic—and for a moment, I almost believe it.
I tell them about my new projects. I tell them about grad school in the fall. I tell them about a professional development program this summer. When I talk about everything I’m doing, I fool everyone—even myself—into thinking I’m healthy. Continue reading “Why I’m Doing Better Than I Think”
Three months ago, as I drove away victoriously from the IV infusion center for the ninth, and final, time that semester, I almost dared hope I’d left behind the last three years of treatments and relapses… Almost.
It was the end of my college career, and I’d just spent its entirety fighting Lyme disease and an autoimmune condition that doctors still aren’t sure how to treat—or what the long-term prognosis is. I’d not only juggled exams and papers and weird living arrangements for four and-a-half years, but I’d been battling through countless procedures and medications and appointments—always in the naive hope that my illness would soon be over. Continue reading “Is There Hope in the Unknown of Chronic Illness?”