Attacked, Trapped, Tormented: My War with PANS & Anorexia

“Do I have to take my shoes off?”

I asked my psychiatrist in a trembling voice as I stared at the floor, too ashamed to make eye contact.

My hands were shaking as I reached for my shoestrings, because I already knew the answer, and I knew what would happen the moment my doctor saw the double-digit number on the scale… Continue reading “Attacked, Trapped, Tormented: My War with PANS & Anorexia”

3 Years Later… The Beginning of the End?

Celebrating 3 years of blogging and the beginning of the end of my battle?

Three years ago today, I published my first post on this blog.

At the time, I was in a downwards spiral, falling apart and losing my mind. My doctors were baffled and running out of treatment options, and I was threatening to take my life. But then, my family figured out I had PANDAS/PANS. Thus began a three-year fight to regain everything my illness had so suddenly stolen from me.

Continue reading “3 Years Later… The Beginning of the End?”

Why I Quit Therapy

Dissecting and discussing every meal isn’t helping

This week, I quit therapy.

Wait a minute… I was nearing hospitalization for anorexia just seven months ago, and my psychiatrist recently suggested intensive outpatient was reasonable, and now I’m not even addressing it at all?

Continue reading “Why I Quit Therapy”

The One Thing I Hate More Than Therapy

Some college kids stockpile liquors, I stockpile nutrition supplements!
Some college kids stockpile liquors, but I stockpile nutrition supplements!

At 93 pounds, I was so miserable and malnourished that I didn’t even know how ill I was. At the time, when I found myself sitting in an infusion chair receiving my third IVIG, I silently wondered to myself what I was doing there. How could I have PANDAS if I wasn’t “that sick”? Why was I getting such a heavy-handed treatment? But with my weight nearing the so-called “starvation” range, many of my organs weren’t working properly anymore. My psychiatrist warned that I’d be in the hospital soon.

Continue reading “The One Thing I Hate More Than Therapy”

Goodbye, Anorexia?

Did I really eat a restaurant without having a panic attack?
Did I really eat a restaurant without having a panic attack?

This week, I reached a turning point in recovering from my eating disorder.

Up until now, although I’ve known how destructive my restricting has been to my body and though part of me wanted to stop, anorexia had so much control over me that I wasn’t completely willing to give it up. I said a few weeks ago that I was going to start treatment for it, but honestly, I was so depressed the day of the appointment that I couldn’t get out of bed and just cancelled it.

Continue reading “Goodbye, Anorexia?”

Treatment Is a Kitchen Sink?

Treating PANS can mean trying the whole kitchen sink.
Treating PANS can mean trying the whole kitchen sink.

When I was first diagnosed with PANDAS in 2014, my doctor said the treatment plan was to give me “the whole kitchen sink.” In other words, I would receive the full range of therapies, many of them all at once. It was unscientific, since this made it hard to tell which treatments turned out to be the most effective, but for a girl who could hardly walk and had lost over 10% of her body weight, this approach was necessary.

Continue reading “Treatment Is a Kitchen Sink?”

The Day Recovery Began…

I never imagined what could result from an iPod and a Google search...
I never imagined what could result from an iPod and a Google search…

As I approach final exams this week, I’ve been thinking back to three years ago, when my life changed forever, on December 17th, 2012.

At the time, I was seventeen and in my senior year of high school. I was excelling academically, and people told me I’d have a promising career. I was popular with lots of friends. I felt such a sense of freedom in being an “adult” by learning to drive. I thought the possibilities for my future were endless.

But in an afternoon, my whole world collapsed.

Continue reading “The Day Recovery Began…”

OCD No More?

Leaving a switch on can be bad news for my OCD...
Leaving a switch on can be bad news for my OCD…

Ever since my tonsillectomy, I’ve noticed my OCD dying down significantly. I’ve found myself touching cabinet knobs in the kitchen that I haven’t been able to touch in over a year. I’m not checking my room for people trying to hurt me. I’m not washing my hands all the time.

I’ve been in CBT all summer, but the improvement I’ve seen seemed to happen much more suddenly and with much less effort than what I normally get from using therapy techniques alone. It was as if maybe, I had less brain inflammation, because I no longer had an infection in my tonsils.

Continue reading “OCD No More?”