Is This a Nightmare Come True?

Sometimes, you don’t get to wake up from your nightmare…

Lately, with each day that’s gone by, I’ve slipped farther and farther into the abyss of my inflamed brain. I’m in a bona fide PANS relapse—there’s no denying it now.

As it turns out, I’ve had too much faith in my Lyme/co-infections antibiotic protocol. Continue reading “Is This a Nightmare Come True?”

I Lost My Mind… But Haven’t Lost Hope

Every time I think I can’t go on, a thread of hope keeps me alive.

It’s 6:00 on a Friday night, I’m drenched in sweat, sitting on my bed with no pants on, and mumbling nonsense. Tears are running down my face for no clear reason, and I feel outside myself, detached from reality. As my mom peeks into my room to bring medicine, I whisper that everyone hates me, warning that the Universe is out to get me. I have no idea why I’m saying or doing any of this—words are coming from my mouth and I can’t stop them. Continue reading “I Lost My Mind… But Haven’t Lost Hope”

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing Anymore

I don’t know where I am or where I’m going in life anymore.

With my final semester of college on the horizon and an amazing summer internship behind me, it’s finally sinking in that it’s time to figure out what I’m doing with my life next. I’m pretty sure that anyone about to graduate from college is feeling anxious about transitioning into the “real world,” but for me, as someone recovering from PANS/Lyme, there’s a whole other layer of messiness.

Continue reading “I Have No Idea What I’m Doing Anymore”

Why I Almost Quit Lyme Treatment

I pretty much take an entire pharmacy every day

 

On Thursday morning, I woke up and immediately knew something was very wrong. My whole body ached. I had an awful headache. I was dizzy. I was too nauseous to even think about food or water. It was that familiar set of symptoms that meant one thing: I was in for a terrible Lyme herx.

Continue reading “Why I Almost Quit Lyme Treatment”

Why I’m Working through PANS

Can someone with PANS/Lyme keep up in a competitive environment?

A couple weeks ago, I was elated to find out that I’d been accepted for a summer writing internship!  This wasn’t just any job offer, but a highly competitive internship that I’ve worked towards and dreamed about for years. It seemed so surreal that this door had finally opened!

Continue reading “Why I’m Working through PANS”

I Am Not an Illness

Sometimes, I don’t know who I am anymore

It was 5:00 in the morning, the day’s homework wasn’t finished, and a test that I would surely fail loomed over me. My kitchen counter-top was covered in crumbs and empty wrappers, and I’d been spinning on my stationary bike for the last three hours. My laptop was opened to my class notes, but I had a major food hangover from the 4000 calories I’d consumed just hours before. Studying was near impossible.

Continue reading “I Am Not an Illness”

The True Meaning of “Tired”

tired-panda-small

When people ask how I’m doing these days, I never know how to answer, so I just say to everyone:

“I’m tired.”

Continue reading “The True Meaning of “Tired””

Why I Look Forward to Tomorrow

Being symptom-free was like waking up from a ten-year slumber
Being symptom-free was like waking up from a ten-year slumber

Last week, as I climbed into bed and turned out the lights, I experienced something very strange: I realized I was looking forward to my tomorrow. In that moment, it struck me that after ten years of PANS, I couldn’t recall the last time I was truly excited about waking up for another day.

Continue reading “Why I Look Forward to Tomorrow”