Relationships • The Dreaming Panda

8 Ways to Help a Loved One with Chronic Illness During Holidays

Published on November 26, 2019 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

This Thanksgiving week, at a time when almost everyone is stressing out over travel and preparations and relatives, for those of us with chronic illnesses, the season brings additional sets of challenges.

Chances are, if you don’t have a chronic illness yourself, then one of your family members that you’re about to see does. It can feel awkward wondering what you should and shouldn’t say to this person, but as someone with both physical and mental health challenges, I’ve assembled a few tips for loved ones.

Continue reading “8 Ways to Help a Loved One with Chronic Illness During Holidays” →

My Illness Made Me Feel Like a Freak: Why I’m Done Trying to Be “Normal”

Published on October 30, 2018 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

For the last twelve years of being sick, I’ve been embarrassed by all of the ways my disease makes me “different” from everyone else. I may try to fit in, but I’m always waiting for the moment when people discover the truth about me.

From not being able to attend public high school, to going to therapy and appointments instead of hanging out with friends, to living with OCD and chronic pain, my experiences as a person with PANS and Lyme have isolated me from my peers when all I wanted was to be “normal” and feel accepted. Continue reading “My Illness Made Me Feel Like a Freak: Why I’m Done Trying to Be “Normal”” →

10 Ways to Feel Less Hopeless When Chronically Ill

Published on April 25, 2018 by DreamingPanda8 Comments

“I just can’t keep going.”

“I feel completely hopeless.”

“How can anyone live like this?”

These messages come to my inbox nearly every week from kids and teenagers who think PANS or Lyme is the end of the life they once loved; from adults who’ve been fighting for years, unsure how much longer they can go through the cycle of relapse, treatment, and recovery; and even from parents who are tired of being too strong for too long.

Continue reading “10 Ways to Feel Less Hopeless When Chronically Ill” →

It Isn’t You: Defying the Shame of My Chronic Illness

Published on October 4, 2017July 1, 2023 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

Since the first day I became ill, shame was a mainstay in my life with PANS… Shame about irrational fears that no one understood. Shame that I felt no control over my mind or body. Shame that I couldn’t do what I once could. Shame that I lashed out at my parents and said things I never wanted. Shame that I was spending more time with doctors than friends. Shame that I’d become a different person that I hated.

Continue reading “It Isn’t You: Defying the Shame of My Chronic Illness” →

“Just” My Parents?

Published on June 6, 2016 by DreamingPanda8 Comments

Is it really good to go home for the summer? — Heading home for the summer!

With another year of college behind me, I recently packed up my apartment and headed home. Although I was unbelievably busy this semester and definitely overworked at times, I had a great junior year. I’ve truly put down roots in the college town where I spend the school year now, so it was with mixed emotions that I pulled into my parents’ driveway for the summer.

Continue reading ““Just” My Parents?” →

PANS and Romance: It’s Complicated

Published on February 15, 2016 by DreamingPanda6 Comments

Guess who didn't get any roses for Valentine's Day... — Guess who didn’t get any roses for Valentine’s Day…

This Valentine’s Day was my twentieth in a row of being single.

Some of you have noticed my lack of discussion regarding my romance life, and a few have asked whether or not I’ve been able to date while dealing with PANS.

The answer is… It’s complicated.

Continue reading “PANS and Romance: It’s Complicated” →

Surviving Holidays with PANS

Published on December 22, 2015 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

The holidays can be a difficult time for PANS patients and families.

Call me the Grinch, but for people with PANS, the holidays aren’t necessarily “the most wonderful time of the year.” For me, the season brings back painful memories of when I was sicker. Plus, symptoms can be more pronounced when contrasted with holiday activities, family gatherings, and Christmas parties.

Continue reading “Surviving Holidays with PANS” →

The New Me… Maskless

Published on September 7, 2015 by DreamingPanda5 Comments

Getting better is like taking off a mask... — Recovering from PANS is like taking off a mask…

A few days ago, as I strapped on my backpack and headed out the door for the first day of the school year, I couldn’t help but be excited to start my first semester as a healthy person. How wonderful it would be to do college without debilitating neurological symptoms!

As I’ve said in previous posts, I never know how ill and out-of-it I’ve been until I get better. While I’ve always known when there was something “off” about me, I’ve not always been aware of the severity of it at the time—by definition, this is partly what made me “out-of-it.” The more I’ve recovered, the more of myself I’ve realized I’d lost to PANS.

Continue reading “The New Me… Maskless” →

Am I Twenty or Twelve?

Published on August 24, 2015 by DreamingPanda3 Comments

P1030195-small — A flower is mature, yet fragile and innocent… Like me

After battling PANS for the past nine years of my life, I’ve been forced to grow up too quickly while being stuck as a child. I’ve had to mature to face up to my circumstances, but I’ve had to count on my parents to take care of me more than most others my age have.

At twenty years old, I’ve never held down a consistent, weekly job. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never gone on anything beyond a day trip with my friends without an “adult” present. Over the last year, I’ve let my parents make many decisions for me, because I’ve known I couldn’t trust my own judgement. In many ways, I feel like a young teenager.

Continue reading “Am I Twenty or Twelve?” →

Am I Nuts?

Published on June 15, 2015 by DreamingPanda2 Comments

Recently, a new obsession has been poking my brain:

Am I nuts?

Given what my illness has put me through in the last year, it’s not an unreasonable concern. When I’ve had bad flares—which can consist of screaming out whatever disturbing thoughts are in my brain, running out of the house or throwing myself into walls, having all manner of bizarre involuntary movements, and being unable to focus my eyes—I would certainly appear “nuts” to an outside observer.

Continue reading “Am I Nuts?” →