Author: DreamingPanda

Why I’m Struggling through College… For the 8th Time

Published on by DreamingPanda14 Comments
With PANS and Lyme, homework isn't the only thing making college so difficult.
With PANS/Lyme, homework is far from the only reason college is so difficult…

It was with a truckload of emotions that I pulled up to my apartment last Monday night, before my eighth semester of college. While being at school means seeing my friends again and keeping busy with interesting things, it also usually means grinding myself into pieces as I try to get all the required work done in the midst of PANS and Lyme. College isn’t easy for anyone, but trying to do it with these chronic illnesses can make it a hundred times worse.

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Lyme Disease: A Still, Silent Battle

Published on by DreamingPanda31 Comments
2 antibiotics, 3 medications, and 6 supplements: my weapons of choice against Lyme disease
2 antibiotics, 3 other meds, and 8 supplements: my weapons of choice against Lyme

“It’s Lyme disease.”

They were three words that shattered all of my expectations for recovery from PANS… Three words that I still struggle to accept… Three words that are going to change my life…

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The Puppy Is Alive!

Published on by DreamingPanda8 Comments

Puppy

With another semester of college done, I can truly say I thrived under exceedingly difficult circumstances. Several months ago, I vowed to stop trying to live up to the expectations people had for me as a top student in my program, but instead, I ended up exceeding them with yet more awards and accolades—I got all A’s, again. Frankly, I’m not sure how I do it…

But unfortunately, instead of coming home and taking a victory lap, I staggered across the finish line of the semester and face-planted with a flare. Continue reading “The Puppy Is Alive!” →

Why I’m Finally Choosing Recovery

Published on by DreamingPanda7 Comments
I'm choosing recovery... One day and one meal at a time
I’m choosing recovery… One day and one meal at a time

Anorexia nervosa: two words that hold an unspeakable amount of pain and torment; an illness that takes over your mind and ravages your body; a disease that kills 5% of its victims; a nightmare that ruins your life; a condition that might happen to other people, but not to me… Until it did.

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The PANDAS Games

Published on by DreamingPanda11 Comments
Does anyone ever win the PANDAS Games?
Does anyone ever win the PANDAS Games?

During one of my many insomniac nights recently, I found myself watching the second Hunger Games movie, Catching Fire. While I knew this wouldn’t exactly soothe me to sleep, there was one quote in particular that’s haunted me continuously:

Haymitch: No one ever wins the Games… There are survivors. There are no winners.

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Recovery Is Possible!

Published on by DreamingPanda10 Comments
Sometimes just when you think it's hopeless, you get better!
Sometimes just when you think it’s hopeless, you get better!

Okay, I’m keeping it shorter this week, because I’m doing so well that I’ve been extremely busy! As I’ve said in the past, the better I’m doing, the less I tend to post and tweet, because I’m away from the blog living my life.

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Why I’m Not Living up to Your Expectations

Published on by DreamingPanda3 Comments

Last semester, when some of my work got a major recognition, my college experience transformed. I quickly went from being the quiet kid with few friends to the student that everyone in my department knew about. People who’d barely spoken to me before were now congratulating me and asking for advice. And I finally got invited to social events.

While I enjoyed my upgraded status, with my success came a side effect: unreasonably high expectations.

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Stuck in the In-Between

Published on by DreamingPanda6 Comments
I'm stuck in-between being ill and being well
I’m stuck in-between being ill and being well.

The other day, when my high school best friend and I met for one last goodbye before returning to college, at one point, she asked what I was looking forward to most about going back to school. And then, it hit me: I wasn’t looking forward to much of anything about my senior year.

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The One Thing I Hate More Than Therapy

Published on by DreamingPanda2 Comments
Some college kids stockpile liquors, I stockpile nutrition supplements!
Some college kids stockpile liquors, but I stockpile nutrition supplements!

At 93 pounds, I was so miserable and malnourished that I didn’t even know how ill I was. At the time, when I found myself sitting in an infusion chair receiving my third IVIG, I silently wondered to myself what I was doing there. How could I have PANDAS if I wasn’t “that sick”? Why was I getting such a heavy-handed treatment? But with my weight nearing the so-called “starvation” range, many of my organs weren’t working properly anymore. My psychiatrist warned that I’d be in the hospital soon.

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