The other day, when my high school best friend and I met for one last goodbye before returning to college, at one point, she asked what I was looking forward to most about going back to school. And then, it hit me: I wasn’t looking forward to much of anything about my senior year.
If I were going to have a heavy load of classes I knew I wouldn’t enjoy, if I had no friends, if I didn’t like my college, or if I hated being away from home, then I’d have a reason to not look forward to the coming year. But trust me, as the popular, poster child for my major who always gets amazing opportunities, I should have everything to look forward to. Yet none of it interests me anymore.
At the moment, I don’t know what I’m doing, but it’s not exactly living. I’m not depressed, but I’m unable to do much of anything because it all seems so overwhelming—it’s because my executive function and other cognitive processes are so poor. I’m not unhappy, but at the same time, there’s not a whole lot that makes me happy, either. I’m living halfway, in the in-between of a brain that’s not quite healthy, yet not nearly as dysfunctional as it once was.
Do you know that feeling when you’re really hungry, but you can’t find anything that appeals to you? That’s my attitude about life. I so badly want to do the things I usually enjoy, but I can’t quite will myself to do them. For a fleeting moment, I sometimes begin an activity, but then I realize how much brainpower it will take, and I can’t follow through. Part of me wonders if this is my brain’s way of forcing me to rest so that it can heal. Who knows?
If you saw me on the street right now, you’d probably have no idea my brain was inflamed. I’m well enough that I’m still able to go out and have coffee with a friend—though I often forget what I’m saying in the middle of a conversation and sometimes start saying nonsense. Even if I look “normal” on the surface, however, internally, I know I can’t completely think straight. (At least I know I’m not completely “here” still—it’s when I’m unaware of this that I’m truly in a bad state.)
To be honest, I’m afraid I’m making a huge mistake by trying to do college in this life of in-between. Is my brain truly well enough for homework? Why do I imagine I’ll magically be able to function better when I’m away from home—without my support system? I can barely stay on task long enough to cook a recipe. What business do I have getting through a day of college?
I feel like I don’t recognize my life anymore, because I’m in-between wanting to live and not having the mental energy to try. I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly through my days, with no clear direction. Yet maybe, just maybe, the structure of going to three classes each week will give me back a sense of purpose. No matter how difficult this semester may be because of my cognitive issues, I will at least have a feeling that I’m being productive by trying to do school.
While I may not be looking forward to any particular aspect of senior year just yet, I’m looking forward to a time when I feel like I’m living again—when I enjoy things and have my mental faculties back. I’m looking forward to a time when I can once again live without PANS or its ramifications interfering with what I want to do. So I’m hoping and telling myself that being back at school will get me unstuck and pull me from the in-between to the life I used to love.