As graduation approached last semester, people constantly asked what was next. What did I want to do with my life? Did I have a job? Would I stay in the city? Was I going to grad school?
Before my PANS relapse in August, I thought I knew all the answers. However, this disease returned not only to attack my brain, but to destroy all my plans.
When people talk about PANS and Lyme recovery, I’m frustrated that it’s always in terms of symptoms. For me, it’s never about the symptoms—it’s about coming back from the dead and regaining the parts of me that were lost.
When PANS makes my immune system attack my brain, the physical effects (similar to a brain injury) give me a mental sense of losing who I am and even of being disconnected from reality. Continue reading “Not About Symptoms: The Truth on PANS/Lyme Recovery”
“Do I have to take my shoes off?”
I asked my psychiatrist in a trembling voice as I stared at the floor, too ashamed to make eye contact.
My hands were shaking as I reached for my shoestrings, because I already knew the answer, and I knew what would happen the moment my doctor saw the double-digit number on the scale… Continue reading “Attacked, Trapped, Tormented: My War with PANS & Anorexia”
This weekend, I’ve defied all odds; I’ve done what never should’ve been possible…
I graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude… While in a long-standing battle with PANS and Lyme Disease!
When I was first diagnosed, it felt like my life was a tragedy, and PANS was the ending. I was sure that it had completely ruined me, and pursuing my dreams seemed inconceivable…
Continue reading “I Graduated College with PANS, Lyme, and…. Highest Honors!”
As I hurried off to class the other week, suddenly, I knew things were awry: it was that strange and all-too-familiar feeling in my head that foretells a drop attack.
Three years ago today, I published my first post on this blog.
At the time, I was in a downwards spiral, falling apart and losing my mind. My doctors were baffled and running out of treatment options, and I was threatening to take my life. But then, my family figured out I had PANDAS/PANS. Thus began a three-year fight to regain everything my illness had so suddenly stolen from me.
The other day, while filling out forms for an appointment, I froze, as I came upon the medical history section. How could I even begin to explain it all? Moreover, how could I fit everything on two little lines?
When people ask how I’m doing these days, I never know how to answer, so I just say to everyone:
“I’m tired.”
Last week, as I climbed into bed and turned out the lights, I experienced something very strange: I realized I was looking forward to my tomorrow. In that moment, it struck me that after ten years of PANS, I couldn’t recall the last time I was truly excited about waking up for another day.
With another semester of college done, I can truly say I thrived under exceedingly difficult circumstances. Several months ago, I vowed to stop trying to live up to the expectations people had for me as a top student in my program, but instead, I ended up exceeding them with yet more awards and accolades—I got all A’s, again. Frankly, I’m not sure how I do it…
But unfortunately, instead of coming home and taking a victory lap, I staggered across the finish line of the semester and face-planted with a flare. Continue reading “The Puppy Is Alive!”
