Tag: Anxiety

The Run of My Life

Published on by DreamingPanda7 Comments

Recently, I signed up to run in my first half-marathon.  I was planning to cross the finish line this summer as the ultimate way to overcome PANDAS. I was hoping to be able to say, “Nine months ago, I couldn’t walk, but today, I’m totally healthy and symptom-free!”

But my plans have been ruined, and my dreams have been shattered.

When I underwent high-dose IVIG therapy in August, for the first time since I got sick eight years ago, I was hopeful about making a full recovery. I knew it could take up to a year for me to get completely better, but I didn’t mind. As long as I was getting better, no matter how slowly, I could keep hoping.

But then I stopped getting better.

Continue reading “The Run of My Life” →

Falling Off

Published on by DreamingPanda3 Comments

This bulletin board represents my life

Even though I love to decorate my room, when I moved into my apartment in August, I could only muster the willpower to put just a handful of small pictures on my bulletin board. During my Freshman year, I’d made my room look like “an Athenian palace,” as one friend put it—at least when I didn’t leave my trash strewn all over the floor (thanks, hoarding OCD).

My lack of decor last semester was an analog of my life. When I finally turned a corner in November, I covered most of my bulletin board with posters, postcards, pictures, and swag from my first 5k race. The better I’m doing, the more things are on the bulletin board.

A few weeks ago, pictures and papers started falling off, one-by-one. I didn’t put them back.

Continue reading “Falling Off” →

Why Kids with PANDAS Are Brave

Published on by DreamingPanda2 Comments

Recently, I had the chance to meet with a family who had two kids with PANS. We had some great conversations, and I’ll probably write a whole other post about our meeting another time. But there was one exchange between me and the seven-year-old that I can’t stop thinking about:

Me: “You’re very brave.”
Little PANDA: “Why?”

Continue reading “Why Kids with PANDAS Are Brave” →

IVIG: Four-Month Update!

Published on by DreamingPanda6 Comments

It’s been over four months since I had IVIG—and six months since the abrupt onset of my tics and other movement problems. On the whole, I’d say I’m much better.  I’ve even started tapering off the steroids.  The way I put it with my family is that I finally feel like a person again.  I’m almost back to where I was before I started flaring two years ago—with the addition of tics, some walking issues, and hypersomnia.  It’s not all forward progress, though.  It’s really more of a two-steps-forward-one-step back process.

Continue reading “IVIG: Four-Month Update!” →

Getting Over the Trauma of OCD

Published on by DreamingPanda3 Comments

I usually say I’m mostly free from my OCD. Indeed, I no longer have to cancel out every intrusive thought that enters my mind, and I don’t have to double-check everything I say or write for a blasphemous double-meaning. Without hesitation, I can read passages of Scripture that once sent me into a full-blown panic attack. I’ve truly come a long way, but lately, I’ve been realizing that my fight isn’t over.

What I’ve been through as a result of Scrupulosity OCD was extremely traumatic. Do you know what it was like, as a devout Christian, to believe that you would be forever separated from the God you loved with your whole heart? To me, this was the worst thing that could have happened, and as far as I knew, it had happened.

The pain was real, even though the reality was totally different. The truth is, I just had a disease that manifested itself as extreme OCD that happened to take the form of religious obsessions and compulsions. No matter the content, all OCD is essentially the same. It wasn’t a “spiritual” issue any more than it was when I caught mono last year (and subsequently descended into the worst flare of my life). Continue reading “Getting Over the Trauma of OCD” →