The One Thing That May Never Recover After My Chronic Illness

With Easter Week and Passover upon us, I’ve found myself face to face with the very thing my chronic illness has changed the most: my faith.

For years, I would’ve told you it was the most important thing in my life.  All through high school, I was a leader in my youth group and involved in several ministries.  I used to read scriptures daily because I wanted to learn more about God.  I used to pray often because I wanted to be closer to Him.  I even used to be enthralled by dense theological tomes, started to teach myself biblical Greek, and at one point considered going into ministry full-time.

But then I got ill.

At seventeen, I suddenly developed an extreme case of OCD. I’d already had OCD smoldering in the background of my mind for six years, which I’d concealed from numerous therapists due to shame, but out of nowhere it became incapacitating and all-consuming.

Continue reading “The One Thing That May Never Recover After My Chronic Illness”

Getting Over the Trauma of OCD

I usually say I’m mostly free from my OCD. Indeed, I no longer have to cancel out every intrusive thought that enters my mind, and I don’t have to double-check everything I say or write for a blasphemous double-meaning. Without hesitation, I can read passages of Scripture that once sent me into a full-blown panic attack. I’ve truly come a long way, but lately, I’ve been realizing that my fight isn’t over.

What I’ve been through as a result of Scrupulosity OCD was extremely traumatic. Do you know what it was like, as a devout Christian, to believe that you would be forever separated from the God you loved with your whole heart? To me, this was the worst thing that could have happened, and as far as I knew, it had happened.

The pain was real, even though the reality was totally different. The truth is, I just had a disease that manifested itself as extreme OCD that happened to take the form of religious obsessions and compulsions. No matter the content, all OCD is essentially the same. It wasn’t a “spiritual” issue any more than it was when I caught mono last year (and subsequently descended into the worst flare of my life). Continue reading “Getting Over the Trauma of OCD”