Still Falling… And Getting Back Up

So I know it’s been awhile since the last post, but it’s been for good and bad reasons.

I had two weeks where I almost forgot I had PANDAS sometimes—days where I could get done almost everything I wanted to get done. I was walking normally and having a lot less chorea. My mind was mostly clear, and my concentration was good. I even had an almost normal amount of energy. So far, I’ve been able to make all A’s and a B+ in my classes. Even so, I haven’t had time for a social life. All I’ve been able to do is do homework and rest. On the outside, it was looking like I was doing pretty well. But then I started having more bad days…

My roommate got sick. I didn’t—or at least I didn’t have any symptoms of that cold. Instead, I started flaring again when my immune system kicked up to fight whatever virus I was exposed to. I started getting bad panic attacks. My mind went fuzzy. I started having excessive daytime sleepiness like before. To make matters worse, it was time for me to lower my steroid dose, and things got so out-of-hand that my mom had to come stay with me in my apartment one night. I guess I don’t yet get to forget that I’m really sick.

The truth is that I am far from recovered. I still have quite a bit of contamination OCD. I still have choreiform movements. I still get panic attacks and anxiety. I forget simple words throughout the day and struggle to articulate myself when I speak—but in my mind, I know exactly what I’m trying to say, even though I don’t know the words. And now that I’m on only 10mg of Prednisone, I’m not able to walk normally for more than a couple minutes (but usually only a few steps) without my legs giving out underneath me. I don’t usually get upset about my illness, but not being able to walk very well is really getting to me this time.

I hate this disease. I know I’m supposed to get better, but having to live with it every day until then just sucks, and there’s no way around that. And sometimes, I think the depression just might be the worst part. I don’t know if my depression is from brain inflammation or if it’s because I’m wary from fighting this illness for so long. I think it wouldn’t be fair to attribute it solely to either one—I think it’s both. I’ve had to be too strong for too long, and I can’t keep pretending any more. I’m sick of being sick.

With any kind of illness, there’s always the physical disease itself and the emotional component of learning to deal with it and the shock that you have it at all. But what makes PANDAS particularly traumatic is how suddenly it tears apart your life. One day this summer I was sort of okay, and the next day, I had the worst panic attack of my life, was falling down whenever I walked, and began thrashing around uncontrollably to the point that my terrified parents took me to the ER. Nothing has been the same since that day in June.  I am still upset about what happened, especially since I still have quite a bit of involuntary movements.

You never see PANDAS coming—it just steals yourself from you while you’re busy living your life.  It affects the whole family.  My mom has admitted to me that she has some PTSD over what I’ve been through. My dad will hardly talk about my overnight decline in June.  As for me, I’m really depressed because I know that every day, I have to wake up and deal with the disease all over again. The other day, I realized that I barely enjoy anything anymore.  I’m just trying to get through things without looking forward to any of it, because everything is exhausting.  I just want to be normal again, but I’m afraid to believe that the IVIG is going to make me better because I’ve been let down so many times over the years with other “treatments” for my various misdiagnoses.

But I can’t give up. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, I have made some progress, because the fact that I am even able to attempt college is miraculous. Everything is really hard right now, but it’s not impossible. I just have to take it all one step at a time. Yes, a lot of my steps end in a fall right now, but I’ll just keep getting back up and trying again.

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