For much of the summer, my illness was completely invisible, but lately, with one look at me, you know something is going on. If I try to walk around normally, my chorea often makes me look like I’m being electrocuted or like I’m doing some weird dance—but it’s completely involuntary. I have horrible acne from one of my medications. I’ve started to develop a puffy “Prednisone face.” My arm is covered in strange bruises from IVIG and all the blood work I’ve had to get.
When I look in the mirror, I could easily let it get to me, and I could sink into despair. There have been times when I’ve been afraid to go out, because I thought everyone would just stare at me. Indeed, it is rather alarming to look different—though I know that my appearance is not the only thing that has changed as a result of PANS.
But you know what? I don’t care anymore. I know I’m beautiful because of who I am in Christ. I know the unpleasant things I bear on the outside are just battle scars—scars that will soon fade away. And I’m not ashamed of the scars anymore. I know how fortunate I am to be alive and well enough to even be thinking about how I look. I don’t regret for one moment the fact that my treatments have given me these temporary side effects, because they have also given me my life back. And I’m hoping and praying that they’ll make the chorea go away soon, too…
I’ve decided that I can’t worry about what other people think of me. They don’t know my story or who I really am. Sometimes, people are just plain mean (and that’s their problem), but sometimes, other people might decide what they think about you based on how you see yourself and how you treat them. So I’ll choose to be beautiful and treat everyone with kindness. You never know what might be hiding behind others’ battle scars.