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# The Dreaming Panda

My neuroimmune journey: PANS, ME, and POTS

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://thedreamingpanda.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [4 Things I Learned from 4 Years of Blogging... And an Announcement!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/06/20/4-things-i-learned-from-4-years-of-blogging-plus-a-special-announcement/) - What in the world have I done?! I thought to myself. A wave of panic ran through me, and my heart began to pound as I stared back at the computer screen. I couldn’t believe it finally happened. I’d exposed myself before the whole world—my life story, in front of any eyeballs that landed upon
- [My 5-Year Blogversary... And What Might Be Next](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/06/20/5-year-pans-pandas-lyme-blog/) - Five years ago today, I made a decision that would change my life: I published my first post on this blog. I didn’t tell anyone—not even my best friend or my family. It was my little secret project that I never intended to keep up for more than a few months—and yet, here we are
- [Grad School Round 2: Conquering the Ghosts of PANS Past](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/08/31/grad-school-round-2-conquering-the-ghosts-of-pans-past/) - A few months ago, I made a scary last-minute decision: I was going to re-apply to grad school, this time at "State University," close to home. And today, I successfully got through my first class! As many of you know, I did a year of grad school at a competitive program out of state before
- [The Problem with Having an Anxiety Disorder AND Another Chronic Illness](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/12/19/the-problem-with-having-an-anxiety-disorder-and-another-chronic-illness/) - “Just go to the lab,” the doctor says, handing me a long list of tests. “I have a port,” I remind her. “You'll have to send this to the infusion center since my veins are too scarred.” She paused, mulling it over for a second. “Well, the lab is where you get blood drawn, so
- [Part 2: Why It's Time to Explicitly Say PANDAS/PANS is NOT Rare](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2026/03/23/part-2-why-its-time-to-explicitly-say-pans-is-not-rare/) - A few words on a few websites are all that's stopping a looming disaster for PANS and PANDAS. Advocacy groups need to say that PANS/PANDAS is not rare.
- [8 Essentials for University Success with a Disability: How to Build a Bulletproof Support System](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/08/29/8-essentials-for-university-success-with-disability-how-to-build-a-bulletproof-support-system/) - I have a disability. I never thought those four words would describe me, especially at twenty-three, but in my first few days as a graduate student, they’ve become a heavy truth I have no choice but to accept—and at the same time, they’ve turned into a statement of empowerment. There’s no way to pretend I
- [My 6-Year Blogversary, My Greatest Hope, & What's Next](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/06/30/my-6-year-blogversary-my-greatest-hope-whats-next/) - Ten days ago, on my actual blogversary, I had a nice 6-year anniversary post planned—the usual reflection on how I started blogging and how much it means to me. And I still stand by my belief that making this website and chronicling my journey through neuroimmune conditions and their psychiatric consequences has been one of
- [A Confession... And Why I Need Your Advice](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/09/30/a-confession-and-why-i-need-your-advice/) - For the last few months, every time it gets close to the end of the month, I tell myself I'm going to have a post ready before the wee hours of the morning of the final day. I tell myself I need to sit down and come up with something to say so I don't
- [The Great PANS Scandal of 2026: And Why You Need to Act NOW](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2026/03/18/the-great-pandas-pans-scandal-of-2026/) - A secret effort to re-classify PANDAS/PANS as a rare disease could undo two decades of advocacy. We need to speak up TODAY to stop it. Time is of the essence.
- [Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do: Overcoming PANS PTSD Triggers](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2023/07/06/do-the-thing-you-think-you-cannot-do-how-i-overcame-pans-ptsd-triggers/) - "Do the thing you think you cannot do" epitomizes my whole journey with PANS. Now it is what I do when facing post-PANS PTSD.
- [The Truth About My PANS Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/05/16/how-pans-recovery-feels/) - PANS Recovery involves healing a brain and an immune system, and it's a long and arduous process
- [I Did 8 Weeks of IV Steroids for PANS. Here's What Happened...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/12/04/i-did-8-weeks-of-iv-steroids-heres-what-happened/) - This semester, I wasn’t at school until October… Though I’d never missed a single day of sitting in the classroom. After returning home from my summer internship in August, where I’d felt almost 100%, I noticed symptoms creeping back in. At first, I waited it out to see if they would pass, but I kept
- [These 3 Myths about PANS Are Ruining Lives: A Response to Misguided Medicine](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/07/11/3-myths-about-pans-ruining-lives-causing-controversy/) - In 2012, when I developed an extreme case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder overnight, all I wanted was to get better—not to spend the next six years fighting to get treatment for a “controversial” disease. However, when conventional therapies failed, and I rapidly declined after Strep and mono two years later, only steroids were able to help
- [Why These Myths About Suicide Are So Harmful](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/09/30/why-these-myths-about-suicide-are-so-harmful/) - [Trigger warning: this post contains discussions of personal experiences with suicidal thoughts and misconceptions. If you're in an emergency, please call the National Suicide Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or dial 911.] No one needs to know, I told myself as I sat frozen, staring at my phone. I don’t need to call him, I tried
- [Pure-O: The Kind of OCD We Need to Talk About](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/10/17/the-signs-of-ocd-you-wouldnt-recognize/) - Pure-O is known as the invisible form of OCD because the compulsions happen inside your mind...The worst of OCD is what someone goes to great lengths to hide.
- [Why Ignoring Adults with PANS Hurts Everybody](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/10/07/why-ignoring-adults-with-pans-hurts-everybody/) - After twenty years in and out of group homes, psychiatric hospitals, and residential treatment centers, at twenty-nine, Jo* has never been stable enough to have a job. Jo lives with his parents between hospitalizations. Despite being incredibly smart, Jo barely finished high school due to several learning disabilities. Jo's frequent panic attacks render him unable
- [Yes, Adults Get PANS/PANDAS, Too: 3 Steps to More Effective Advocacy for ALL Patients](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2023/10/24/yes-adults-get-pans-pandas-too-3-steps-to-more-effective-advocacy-for-all-patients/) - Yes, adults get PANS and PANDAS. It's time more organizations included us in advocacy. Children, too, benefit when we admit PANS/PANDAS isn't outgrown.
- [PANDAS/PANS and Dyspraxia: Do You Know This Devastating Symptom?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2024/01/11/pandas-pans-and-dyspraxia-do-you-know-this-devastating-symptom/) - PANDAS/PANS and dyspraxia often go together, but most people don't understand this debilitating motor-planning disorder. Here's what you should know...
- [Dear Sick, Scared 2015 Me... A Letter to Someone Whose Illness Uprooted Their Life](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/02/28/dear-sick-scared-2015-me-chronic-illness-pans-lyme/) - Dear 2015 me, I know you feel like a stranger in your own life right now while you’re the sickest you’ve ever been with PANS. I know you’re scared, lonely, and unsure if there will ever be anything more to your life than this illness that attacked your brain and kidnapped you from your own
- [Guest Post: How Illness Made Me an Artist](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2022/01/31/guest-post-how-illness-made-me-an-artist/) - By Lauren Watt Six-and-a-half years ago, when I was 14, I got sick... I got sick, and I never got better. It began with a sudden onset of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome that led to me carrying an EpiPen everywhere. Everyday foods, smells, and chemicals caused me to flush, break out in hives, become nauseous
- [Life After PANS: When PTSD Makes It Not Really Over](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2023/06/26/life-after-pans-when-ptsd-makes-it-not-really-over/) - Today, I live my life free from PANS psychiatric shackles and its medical mayhem. At this point, I’ve mostly forgotten where I came from and how sick I used to be. PANS no longer affects me… or so I think. Years ago, I was able to lock away the feelings of terror and despair that
- [I Had OCD for 6 Years...  And Didn't Know](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/10/18/i-had-ocd-for-6-years-and-didnt-know/) - This week has been OCD Awareness week. Up to this point, I haven’t discussed my OCD very much, but I think it’s time to change that. An overnight onset of OCD is the hallmark symptom of PANDAS/PANS—which I had almost eight years ago. For six years, I concealed from my parents and psychologists the torturous
- [OCD No More?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/07/27/ocd-no-more/) - Ever since my tonsillectomy, I’ve noticed my OCD dying down significantly. I’ve found myself touching cabinet knobs in the kitchen that I haven’t been able to touch in over a year. I’m not checking my room for people trying to hurt me. I’m not washing my hands all the time. I’ve been in CBT all
- [Why PANDAS Awareness Matters](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/10/08/why-pandas-awareness-matters/) - As I made my way through the halls to my neurologist’s office last May, I stopped in my tracks as I saw a face I recognized. She was receiving IVIG and roaming the halls hooked up to an IV bag pole, accompanied by her mother and a nurse. She was exhausted. There was no light
- [Life Beyond 100%](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/03/23/life-beyond-100/) - During my first few months of treatment, whenever anyone asked me what percent of myself I felt I was, I usually said 80 or 90%. Although I believed this was accurate, I was grossly overestimating my level of wellness, because I’d forgotten what life was like at 100%. As I’ve said before, I’ve never realized
- [Why I Won't Eat](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/06/27/why-i-wont-eat/) - With this latest flare, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder again. Restricted food intake is one of the two major diagnostic criteria for PANS, so my new obsession is nothing unusual. In fact, this is the third time in my life that I've faced an eating disorder: the first was when I was nine
- [The One Thing I Hate More Than Therapy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/08/23/the-one-thing-i-hate-more-than-therapy/) - At 93 pounds, I was so miserable and malnourished that I didn’t even know how ill I was. At the time, when I found myself sitting in an infusion chair receiving my third IVIG, I silently wondered to myself what I was doing there. How could I have PANDAS if I wasn’t “that sick”? Why
- [Goodbye, Anorexia?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/08/03/goodbye-anorexia/) - This week, I reached a turning point in recovering from my eating disorder. Up until now, although I’ve known how destructive my restricting has been to my body and though part of me wanted to stop, anorexia had so much control over me that I wasn’t completely willing to give it up. I said a
- [Why I Quit Therapy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/03/14/why-i-quit-therapy/) - This week, I quit therapy. Wait a minute… I was nearing hospitalization for anorexia just seven months ago, and my psychiatrist recently suggested intensive outpatient was reasonable, and now I’m not even addressing it at all? Yes, that’s right… Sort of. So am I giving up on recovery? Did I suddenly get better? Well, no.
- [It Isn't You: Defying the Shame of My Chronic Illness](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/10/04/it-isnt-you-defying-the-shame-of-pans/) - Since the first day I became ill, shame was a mainstay in my life with PANS… Shame about irrational fears that no one understood. Shame that I felt no control over my mind or body. Shame that I couldn’t do what I once could. Shame that I lashed out at my parents and said things
- [Why PANS Awareness Saves Lives](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/10/09/why-pans-awareness-saves-lives/) - For the last eleven years of my life, I’ve battled a debilitating yet misunderstood autoimmune disease called PANS. It’s a disorder where an infection or an environmental trigger confuses your immune system into attacking your brain. This leads to all sorts of problems like OCD, anxiety, depression, tics, involuntary movements, cognitive problems, and many more
- [Why Autoimmune Encephalitis Doctors Need to Stop Ignoring PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/02/22/why-autoimmune-encephalitis-doctors-need-to-stop-ignoring-pans-world-encephalitis-day-2019/) - Today is World Encephalitis Day, and I want to take a moment to shed some light on a certain controversy within the PANS and encephalitis communities: Is PANS a form of autoimmune encephalitis, or is it something else? Back in 2014, in a matter of weeks, I went from being a typical college student earning
- [What Mental Health Awareness Means When Chronically Ill](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/05/28/mental-health-chronic-illness-pans-lyme/) - As someone with a chronic illness that was once misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder, but who also does have mental health issues, it’s a constant balancing act trying to understand my brain while convincing doctors that mental illness is only one of my problems. For eight years, the conclusion was that I was sick because
- [5 Things I Would've Told Myself When Diagnosed with PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/07/26/5-things-i-wouldve-told-myself-when-diagnosed-with-pans/) - After eight years of a mysterious illness no one could figure out, one July morning in 2014, a neurologist finally cracked the code: I had PANS. My body was attacking part of my brain, leading to all sorts of bizarre symptoms. But at the same time that she shed a light onto my case, the
- [The Perils of Partial Hospitalization—And Why I've Agreed to Go](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/01/12/the-perils-of-partial-hospitalization-and-why-ive-agreed-to-go/) - “You need to go back,” my doctor warned me one day this summer. I wiped the tears off my face and sighed. “I haven’t been able to walk more than a hundred feet in two months. You think I have energy for three hours of therapy three times a week?” “You need the support… You’re
- [PHP Day 1: "I Won't Put It On."](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/01/13/php-day-1-i-wont-put-it-on/) - Today was my first day of Partial Hospitalization, and it went both better and worse than I expected. I don’t normally post two days in a row, but I’m in a writing mood and thought a few people might be interested in reading about my time in a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders over
- [PHP Day 3: "You Didn't Fail."](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/01/15/php-day-3-you-didnt-fail/) - Today makes my third day of Partial Hospitalization, and I already know I need to stay more than a week—and I’m mostly okay with that, but not sure whether my body will allow it. Looking back at the last few months, I’m starting to see that, as usual, my psychiatrist has been right in saying
- [PHP Day 7: "It's Rehab for Your GI System."](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/01/21/php-day-7-its-rehab-for-your-gi-system/) - After finishing an entire week in a Partial Hospitalization Program for eating disorders, I am both more optimistic and more pessimistic about moving forward. As expected, I had a big ME/CFS crash on Saturday, the day after the week of PHP finishes. It's pushing my body past its limit. I'm willing to put up with
- [Home from Partial Hospitalization](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/02/05/home-from-partial-hospitalization/) - Last I wrote, I had resolved to do whatever it took to stay in the Partial Hospitalization program. And guess what happened? I left the program. 😬 Part of it is that my insurance only approved a certain number of days. I could have fought for more. However, the more I thought about the whole
- [How I Was Diagnosed with PANS When I Was 19](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/07/30/how-i-was-diagnosed-with-pans-when-i-was-19/) - After weeks of waiting and hoping and worrying, the time had finally come for my appointment with the mysterious expert neurologist. My parents and I arrived half an hour early to a spartan waiting room with an almost-eery quiet. A single tub of building blocks and several stuffed panda bears made me wonder if the
- [Why Therapy Isn't Enough When You Have OCD & PANS/PANDAS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/02/07/why-therapy-isnt-enough-when-you-have-pans-ocd/) - This week, I made the mistake of reading the PANDAS Wikipedia page, and now I'm boiling over: All the sources for the page are at least seven years old, and since then, research has evolved dramatically. Unfortunately, to the peril of those of us who have PANS/PANDAS, many doctors still subscribe to this misguided treatment
- [My Disastrous Symptom Flare & How I Plan to Get Out of It](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/05/27/my-disastrous-symptom-flare-how-i-plan-to-get-out-of-it/) - Before I’d even opened my eyes, I knew something was terribly wrong. Every muscle in my body hurt. I was drenched in sweat. My heart was racing. I had an 101º fever. As I lay there trying to will myself out of bed, my heart-monitor watch went off, warning of a high heart rate. I
- [What It's Like to Get an Incurable Diagnosis at 24: How I'm Coping with ME/CFS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/06/12/what-its-like-to-be-incurable-mecfs/) - "There’s no cure. No one knows if you'll ever get better." The realities of my situation swirled in my mind as I tried to make sense out of what was happening. None of it was news, but somehow the word hit me harder than ever before: Encephalomyelitis “With the encephalomyelitis…” my doctor began at a
- [Recovery Is Possible!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/09/20/recovery-is-possible/) - Okay, I’m keeping it shorter this week, because I’m doing so well that I’ve been extremely busy! As I’ve said in the past, the better I’m doing, the less I tend to post and tweet, because I’m away from the blog living my life. Anyway, I just wanted to give some hope to those of
- [Why I'm Throwing Up My Hands](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/07/25/why-im-throwing-up-my-hands/) - Until a few days ago, I was certain I wouldn’t return to college this semester. Between my crippling depression, incapacitating executive function and concentration issues, and my physical weakness from POTS, living independently in less than two months while taking senior-level classes seemed like an impossibility. Indeed, I’ve been so depressed lately that I’ve not
- [POTS & PANS: A Recipe for Disaster?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/07/11/pots-pans-a-recipe-for-disaster/) - “You’re going to hate me when I tell you this,” my cardiologist said this week. I braced myself to be told my heart was damaged from Rheumatic Fever—or to be told my symptoms were all in my head, as so many doctors had said over the years… “Your heart is fine—in fact, we haven’t seen
- [The Bad Guys Are After Me: PANS-Related PTSD in Pandemic Times](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/12/31/the-bad-guys-are-after-me-pans-related-ptsd-in-pandemic-times/) - It was 2:30 in the morning when I awoke to a knock on my door and opened my eyes to see a man in black standing over me. My heart pounding, my sheets drenched in sweat, I tried to scream, but all that came out was barely a mumble. And then he was gone. It
- [I'm Having a PANS Flare. Here's What It's Like...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/11/10/im-having-a-pans-flare-part1/) - SPLAT. Suddenly, I hit the floor. Without warning, my legs completely gave out, as if they forgot how to listen to my brain for a split second. Had this been the first time this ever happened, it would be disturbing enough. But this has happened thousands of times over the years, and that's what makes
- [PANS/PANDAS Awareness Day 2021: Top Posts and Resources to Share](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/10/08/pans-pandas-awareness-day-2021-top-posts-and-resources-to-share/) - Tomorrow, October 9th, is PANDAS Awareness Day. Each year, it seems like parents lead the conversation. Some of this is because many who live with PANS are too young or too incapacitated to do it themselves. And I am so grateful for parents' incredible efforts in raising awareness for this devastating illness––please keep it up.
- [Expectations vs. Reality: Why "Different" Doesn't Mean Worse](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/07/31/expectations-vs-reality-why-different-doesnt-mean-worse/) - A few weeks ago, I became the last of the adult kids in the house. And now it's just me and my parents. Just me, the disabled and sick 26 year-old, and my parents, whose almost-retirement years I can't help but feel guilty for fifth-wheeling sometimes. My friends are getting married and having babies. My
- [Not "Just Allergies:" The Major Neuroimmune Trigger You're Probably Ignoring](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/06/30/not-just-allergies-the-major-neuroimmune-trigger-youre-probably-ignoring/) - It was a Saturday morning when something in me snapped. I had no strength to get out of bed, and even if I did, it seemed like nothing I would do today would matter. The massive weight of the numbness pinned me to the sheets, and tears began to flow. But what was I upset
- [My Experience with the Moderna COVID Vaccine as a Neuroimmune Patient](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/05/31/my-experience-with-the-moderna-covid-vaccine/) - Ever since the beginning of the pandemic and the first mention of vaccine development, there has never once been a doubt in my mind about whether or not I would take it when available to me––of course I would get the shot to protect myself and those around me. That decision may not seem noteworthy
- [6-Month Rituxan Update](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/04/30/6-month-rituxan-update/) - With 6 months since my loading dose of Rituxan, I’m absolutely thrilled to say that I’m physically the best I’ve been in a couple of years. Mentally, I may be the best I’ve ever been since getting sick when I was eleven. As I mentioned in my 3-month update post, the progress has been slow
- [When What You Fear Most Is the Right Decision...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/03/31/when-what-you-fear-most-is-the-right-decision/) - I’ve done something scary: I re-applied to grad school. Two years ago, I left grad school not completely by choice, but out of necessity when I was diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. I’d spent that year in grad school living in a completely new part of the country by myself. I’d had a great assistantship. It
- [Rare Disease Day 2021: What You Can Do to Demolish the Myth That PANS Is Rare](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/02/28/rare-disease-day-pans-registry-demolish-the-myth-that-pans-is-rare/) - On this Rare Disease day, for the 1000th time, let me clear something up and then show you how to fix it: PANS/PANDAS is not rare, and it’s not only kids that have it. So please, stop referring to it as a “rare pediatric disorder.” Current estimates say that PANS/PANDAS affects 1 in 200
- [A 3-Month Post-Rituxan Update](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2021/01/31/a-3-month-post-rituxan-update/) - Three months since starting the new treatment, Rituxan, I can finally say that I’ve made obvious progress. It's been anything but linear, and yet I'm more hopeful than I have been in a long time. You may have noticed I’m not posting on here much, and my Facebook and Twitter profiles also haven’t been updated.
- [When the Normal Is Extraordinary: Recovery from PANS and the Pandemic](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/12/31/when-the-normal-is-extraordinary-recovery-from-pans-and-the-pandemic/) - If there’s anything we can all agree on right now, it’s that nothing is normal at the moment. Maybe you’ve had to work or do school at home for nine months. Your favorite businesses are closing down. Most everyone is wearing masks on the rare occasions when you brave the grocery store. There is a
- [Rituxan and the Waiting Game...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/11/21/rituxan-and-the-waiting-game/) - I’ve finished my first two rounds of Rituximab infusions and am happy to report that they went very well! To be honest, I was terrified of this IV medicine after reading about the potential side-effects of killing your immune system’s B cells. So let’s just say that after getting through the first five-hour infusion, I
- [Done Treading Water: Why I'm Really Doing Rituxan This Time](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/10/06/why-im-doing-rituxan-pans-pandas-mecfs-dysautonomia/) - I'm starting a year of Rituximab infusions. This is an IV biologic medication that kills your B cells. Yes, I’m wiping out a chunk of my immune system in the middle of a global pandemic. Yes, I’ve just signed on to do this every three months for at least a year. Rituxan is not a
- [Self-Sabotage: Peeling Back the Onion of Baggage from Being Sick](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/09/15/self-sabotage-peeling-back-the-onion-of-baggage-from-being-sick/) - Last week, I did something wild: I signed myself up for a multi-week professional development program. I already have so much going on with finishing my book, but I'd applied a while ago to this selective program. So once they accepted me, how could I say no? Besides, I believe it will also indirectly help
- [The Simple Thing You Can Do to Help Thousands Living with PANS/PANDAS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/08/21/the-simple-thing-you-can-do-to-help-thousands-living-with-pans-pandas/) - As an adult with a neuroimmune condition that most doctors don’t know how to diagnose, let alone treat, all too often, I’ve felt like there was nothing I could do to change their minds. I would bring papers and mention the many fine hospitals that are researching PANS only to be dismissed and gaslighted. Why?
- [Guest Blog: The Challenges of Being a Teenager with a Chronic Illness, by Olivia Cyr](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/06/23/guest-blog-the-challenges-of-being-a-teenager-with-a-chronic-illness-by-olivia-cyr/) - Today, I'm thrilled to have a guest blogger, Olivia Cyr. She is seventeen and lives with a few chronic conditions including dysautonomia, OCD, and anxiety. Olivia has been featured on The Mighty, and her perspective as a teenager dealing with these issues is important. Being a teenager is hard. I don’t think that many would
- [Remember M.E.: Why I'm Missing Today](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/05/09/remember-me-cfs-why-im-missing-today/) - Today was Graduation Day for my master’s degree… But I’m not graduating. And I don’t mean that I’m not getting an in-person ceremony, the same as the rest of the class of 2020. I mean that I’m not graduating because my illness forced me to leave grad school halfway through a degree. For years, I
- [Why I'm Getting Better Even When I Think I'm Not](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/04/22/why-im-getting-better-even-when-i-think-im-not/) - “Ups and downs are better than straight down.” The other day, I found this cryptic message scrawled on a sticky note inside my desk. I had completely forgotten that this used to be one of my favorite sayings in the years when I was still fighting through the brain inflammation from PANS. But now, it’s
- [When Good Memories Torment You](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/03/31/when-good-memories-torment-you-mecfs/) - The other night, a horrifying realization jolted me awake: I haven’t rode my bike in over two years. Suddenly, the memories came rushing back, and I imagined myself biking like I once did. I remembered how, in college, I would bike to errands and class. I remembered zipping around town with the wind in my
- [Special Guest: Interview with Author and PANS Survivor Madeline Dyer](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2020/01/23/special-guest-interview-with-author-and-pans-survivor-madeline-dyer/) - Today, I'm so excited to introduce all of you to author Madeline Dyer, who has just published a gripping collection of poems, Captive, on her journey through Autoimmune Basal Ganglia Encephalitis, aka PANS. "I just want to get better and see the stars and believe in hope again." As someone who has lived with this
- [8 Ways to Help a Loved One with Chronic Illness During Holidays](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/11/26/8-ways-to-help-a-loved-one-with-chronic-illness-during-holidays/) - This Thanksgiving week, at a time when almost everyone is stressing out over travel and preparations and relatives, for those of us with chronic illnesses, the season brings additional sets of challenges. Chances are, if you don’t have a chronic illness yourself, then one of your family members that you’re about to see does. It
- [Guest Blog: The Missing Piece of the Puzzle](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/11/18/guest-blog-the-missing-piece-of-the-puzzle/) - This week, I'm honored to have my first guest blogger ever, Mary McManus, MSW, the mother of 32 year-old Ruth Anne who has PANS. This story is an important one for raising awareness of PANS in adults because so many others, like Ruth Anne, have spent years pursuing psychiatric interventions to little avail, unaware they
- [Why I Don't Care What You Call Whatever's Wrong with My Brain](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/11/12/why-im-not-doing-rituxan-yet-pans-pandas-lyme-mecfs/) - It was a typical Sunday morning a few weeks ago when it happened. My mom was cooking me an omelet, and dad was reading the paper. I was rummaging through the cupboard to get some honey to drizzle on a banana when I heard it: “CLAW.” And then there was whispering in a female voice
- [Welcome, and Thank You!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/10/30/welcome-and-thank-you/) - With all of the new followers joining my blog and social media accounts, I’m going to take this post to welcome you, say thank you, and talk about what's next… This month, over 4200 of you read my stories, and as the shy person that I am in “real life,” this is unfathomable. Those who
- [Could This Antibody Be Stealing My Life?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/09/25/could-this-antibody-make-me-lose-my-mind-gad65-mecfs/) - Why would this happen? How could I get worse while getting treatment? Years ago when I started this blog, every time I had a symptom flare-up, I’d ask myself these questions over and over again sure that if I thought about them hard enough it would all make sense. Unfortunately, when you have an illness
- [To Anyone Whose Illness or Disability Makes School a Struggle...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/09/03/pans-pandas-lyme-me-illness-or-disability-affects-school/) - It was two weeks until the start of middle school when my mom and I walked into the building and knew right away that something wasn’t right. The walls were freshly painted, the windows cleaned, and the floors polished, but something neither of us could put a finger on said to look a little closer.
- [The Criminal No One Can Stop: When Illness Is a Crime Scene](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/08/07/crime-scene-i-never-leave-life-with-me-cfs/) - “Choose one,” the masked man growled as I stood in the doorway, frozen in fear. “It’s either the painting or the pearls.” I tried to get the words out, but the mere sight of the crowbar in his hands and the open window had already stolen my voice. I reached for my purse to find
- [The One Thing That May Never Recover After My Chronic Illness](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/04/19/the-one-thing-that-may-never-recover-after-my-chronic-illness/) - With Easter Week and Passover upon us, I’ve found myself face to face with the very thing my chronic illness has changed the most: my faith. For years, I would’ve told you it was the most important thing in my life. All through high school, I was a leader in my youth group and involved
- [The Plot Twist I Never Expected... And How I've Learned to Accept It](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/03/29/lyme-disease-the-plot-twist-i-never-expected/) - After just one stride, I knew something wasn’t right. I’d always run through anything—be it sickness, rain, or depression—but today was different. Today, in the midst of training for my second half-marathon, my whole body felt like it was made of lead, and no matter how hard I tried I could barely pick up my
- [Facing The What-If's of Chronic Illness: Why Do Grad School While Sick?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/01/31/the-what-ifs-of-chronic-illness-why-im-in-grad-school-despite-an-uncertain-future/) - Last month, after finishing my first semester of grad school, the dread of having to come back in January to do it all over again drowned out any sense of accomplishment. Although I liked my colleagues, the truth is that I was miserable so much of that fall. And until now, I didn’t know why.
- [The Questions No One Should Have to Ask: Life on the Verge of Relapse](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2019/01/03/pans-pandas-relapse-ivig-denial/) - As I opened my eyes to the morning sunlight peeking through my blinds, for a feel blissful seconds, I forgot the many reasons I shouldn’t feel as calm as I did in that moment. But not a minute later, it all came rushing back, and my stomach did a somersault. I rolled over and saw
- [Announcement: PANS/AE/Lyme Teleconference Tomorrow!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/12/07/announcement-pans-ae-lyme-teleconference-tomorrow/) - Hi everyone, I’m excited to share that tomorrow (Saturday) is the launch of the first-ever teleconference support group for teens and adults with PANS, AE, Lyme and other similar/related conditions. Let this be your official invitation! Join me at 2PM EST (7PM GMT) tomorrow. Call (605) 472-5395, and enter the meeting ID: 339705. International numbers…
- [How I Tackle Grad School with Cognitive Problems from PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/11/30/how-i-tackle-grad-school-with-cognitive-problems-from-pans/) - “How’s grad school going?” my friend from home asked. “I mean—I’m glad I’m trying it,” I stammered, going on about a few highlights. “But do you like it?” she pressed. The truth is that I’d been afraid to ask myself this very question, because I was afraid to learn the answer.... But first, how is
- [My Illness Made Me Feel Like a Freak: Why I'm Done Trying to Be "Normal"](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/10/30/my-illness-made-me-feel-like-a-freak-why-im-done-trying-to-be-normal/) - For the last twelve years of being sick, I’ve been embarrassed by all of the ways my disease makes me “different” from everyone else. I may try to fit in, but I’m always waiting for the moment when people discover the truth about me. From not being able to attend public high school, to going
- [On the Radio Today! A Special for PANS Awareness Day 2018](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/10/09/on-the-radio-today-a-special-for-pans-awareness-day-2018/) - Today is PANS Awareness Day 2018. There's so much I could write as someone who has lived with PANS for most of my life—even more than I've already said in the 100,000+ words I've written in previous posts on this blog. However, I'm doing things differently this year, and instead of posting about PANS awareness,
- [Interview with Me Tonight: A Special Announcement](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/09/06/interview-with-me-tonight-a-special-announcement/) - Hi everyone, I'm interrupting our regular programming to let you know I'm speaking on the Stanford PANS Parents Support Group teleconference tonight at 5:45 Pacific Time! You don't have to be in California to listen. You can hear it by calling 1 (650) 724 9799. International numbers are available here. The meeting ID is 649 394 165. Dr.
- [When Getting Better Hurts More Than Staying Sick: The Paradox of Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/08/01/pans-pandas-encephalitis-recovery-depression/) - In the last couple of months, I’ve had a breakthrough in my recovery. After being mostly couch-bound since January, I'm now able to run. And my cognitive abilities have improved so much that I just finished a small project. So many things I've hoped for have become reality! I thought I’d feel nothing but elation
- [I Woke up in a Body I Didn't Recognize: Living with Involuntary Movements](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/06/06/pandas-pans-life-with-tics-chorea/) - In June 2014, I lost my body. Over seventeen hours, I watched in shock as my body grew a mind of its own, erupting in wild, bizarre movements I couldn't control. What started as innocuous twitches in my legs grew into full-body thrashes and twists and jerks over the course of one day. And then I
- [11 Lyme Facts I Wish I'd Known Sooner...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/05/23/11-lyme-facts-i-wish-id-known-sooner/) - When I was a kid, I never quite fit in at school, but the outdoors were my refuge—every day, I came home and found peace and quiet in our woods. Little did I know, nature was about to stab me in the back worse than anything the other kids might’ve said. Growing up, tick bites
- [The Part of PANS/Encephalitis Recovery We Don't Talk About](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/05/08/pans-pandas-lyme-recovery-we-dont-talk-about/) - For the last eleven years of being sick, time has been my enemy. The first sign I was ill was that I started moving in slow-motion—I lost awareness of time passing. Doctors thought it was late-onset Attention-Deficit Disorder. Instead, as I'd find out eight years later, my immune system was attacking my brain. All of a sudden,
- [10 Ways to Feel Less Hopeless When Chronically Ill](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/04/25/how-i-survive-the-despair-pans-pandas-lyme/) - “I just can’t keep going." "I feel completely hopeless." "How can anyone live like this?” These messages come to my inbox nearly every week from kids and teenagers who think PANS or Lyme is the end of the life they once loved; from adults who’ve been fighting for years, unsure how much longer they can
- [Why I'm Doing Better Than I Think](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/04/11/why-im-doing-better-than-i-think-pandas-lyme-recovery/) - These days, when friends ask how I am, I tell them I’m fantastic—and for a moment, I almost believe it. I tell them about my new projects. I tell them about grad school in the fall. I tell them about a professional development program this summer. When I talk about everything I’m doing, I fool
- [How I Finally Made Peace with My Lyme Diagnosis](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/03/29/anger-acceptance-lyme-diagnosis/) - “Close your eyes,” the Lyme specialist said. “And hold your arms out straight.” My body began to jerk while I stood in front of the exam table with my arms extended. As I strained to stop the involuntary movements, I could sense my parents’ dismay even through my eyelids. I’d come to that consultation in
- [Is There Hope in the Unknown of Chronic Illness?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/03/13/is-there-hope-in-the-unknown-of-chronic-illness/) - Three months ago, as I drove away victoriously from the IV infusion center for the ninth, and final, time that semester, I almost dared hope I’d left behind the last three years of treatments and relapses… Almost. It was the end of my college career, and I’d just spent its entirety fighting Lyme disease and
- [Why PANS/PANDAS Awareness Matters: An Open Letter to Legislators](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/02/21/why-pans-pandas-awareness-matters-an-open-letter-to-legislators/) - This week, legislators in Wisconsin have the opportunity to save hundreds of lives and millions of taxpayer dollars: a bill to establish an advisory educational council on PANS/PANDAS is under review. New York is also considering similar policies, and several others including Virginia have successfully implemented them. To those who have never heard of PANS/PANDAS
- [My Disease Could Make Me Lose My Mind. Here's How I'm Coping...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/01/25/how-i-cope-with-the-uncertainty-of-pans-lyme/) - After eleven years of brain-related chronic illness, I’ve come to live in a constant state of uncertainty not only regarding my conditions, but regarding my entire life. I never imagined I would ever get sick in the first place, let alone to then be sick for over a decade. The fact that my illness happened
- [Is This the Hardest Job in the World?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/01/17/is-this-the-hardest-job-in-the-world/) - As graduation approached last semester, people constantly asked what was next. What did I want to do with my life? Did I have a job? Would I stay in the city? Was I going to grad school? Before my PANS relapse in August, I thought I knew all the answers. However, this disease returned not
- [Not About Symptoms: The Truth on PANS/Lyme Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/01/10/not-about-symptoms-the-truth-on-pans-lyme-recovery/) - When people talk about PANS and Lyme recovery, I’m frustrated that it’s always in terms of symptoms. For me, it’s never about the symptoms—it’s about coming back from the dead and regaining the parts of me that were lost. When PANS makes my immune system attack my brain, the physical effects (similar to a brain
- [Attacked, Trapped, Tormented: My War with PANS & Anorexia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2018/01/02/attacked-trapped-tormented-my-war-with-anorexia-pans/) - “Do I have to take my shoes off?” I asked my psychiatrist in a trembling voice as I stared at the floor, too ashamed to make eye contact. My hands were shaking as I reached for my shoestrings, because I already knew the answer, and I knew what would happen the moment my doctor saw
- [I Wasn't "Sick Enough" to Have Lyme. Then 2017 Exposed a Shocking Truth...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/12/27/i-wasnt-sick-enough-to-have-lyme-2017-exposed-a-shocking-truth/) - I’ll never forget the day I first set foot in a Lyme clinic, as I watched other patients with pale, exhausted faces roll into the waiting room in wheelchairs. I'd just finished another semester of college and a ten-mile run that weekend. I remember thinking, I can't possibly be sick enough to have Lyme Disease.
- [I Graduated College with PANS, Lyme, and.... Highest Honors!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/12/19/i-graduated-college-with-pans-lyme-and-highest-honors/) - This weekend, I’ve defied all odds; I’ve done what never should’ve been possible… I graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude… While in a long-standing battle with PANS and Lyme Disease! When I was first diagnosed, it felt like my life was a tragedy, and PANS was the ending. I was sure that it had completely
- [Do These 7 Symptoms Make College Impossible?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/11/15/7-pans-symptoms-making-college-seem-impossible/) - They say that “school refusal,” or a deterioration in school performance, is a hallmark symptom of PANS/PANDAS. Indeed, with my latest relapse, my grades are suffering, I’m behind in every class, and I have no idea how I’m going to write the two papers that are due this week. College is feeling impossible right now.
- [What I Really Mean When I Say I'm Fine](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/11/01/what-i-really-mean-when-i-say-im-fine/) - As I hurried off to class the other week, suddenly, I knew things were awry: it was that strange and all-too-familiar feeling in my head that foretells a drop attack. Defiantly, I ignored it, kept running upstairs to the lecture hall, and made it all the way to the door without any issues. But after
- [Is This a Nightmare Come True?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/10/16/is-this-a-nightmare-come-true/) - Lately, with each day that’s gone by, I’ve slipped farther and farther into the abyss of my inflamed brain. I’m in a bona fide PANS relapse—there’s no denying it now. As it turns out, I’ve had too much faith in my Lyme/co-infections antibiotic protocol. Since July, I thought my reemerging symptoms were a temporary reaction
- [Daring to Dream Again](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/09/19/daring-to-dream-again/) - This week, despite recently having the best few days I’ve had in several years, my OCD came roaring back, worse than it’d been since 2014. I started ticking again, too. People would say things to me, but their words made no sense. All the symptoms that I thought were gone returned to taunt me. Just
- [Why I'm Glad I Had No Fun This Weekend](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/09/05/why-im-glad-i-had-no-fun-this-weekend/) - This Labor-Day weekend, while you were outside grilling burgers and hotdogs, and some other college students were drinking and partying, I was all alone, locked in my apartment, doing nothing but homework and chores… And I’m so thankful I was. Do I hate socializing? Am I just a boring person? No—I’m enjoying the fact that
- [I Lost My Mind... But Haven't Lost Hope](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/08/30/i-lost-my-mind-but-havent-lost-hope/) - It's 6:00 on a Friday night, I'm drenched in sweat, sitting on my bed with no pants on, and mumbling nonsense. Tears are running down my face for no clear reason, and I feel outside myself, detached from reality. As my mom peeks into my room to bring medicine, I whisper that everyone hates me,
- [How I Keep Up with College Fighting PANS & Lyme](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/08/22/pans-college-part-1-managing-academics/) - In the past three years of running this blog, one of the most common questions I get asked is, How have you been able to do college when you’ve been so sick? Truth be told, when I look back at the last four years, I’m surprised by it, too. And not only have I made
- [I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Anymore](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/08/08/i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing-anymore/) - With my final semester of college on the horizon and an amazing summer internship behind me, it’s finally sinking in that it’s time to figure out what I’m doing with my life next. I’m pretty sure that anyone about to graduate from college is feeling anxious about transitioning into the “real world,” but for me,
- [Minor Symptoms, Major Anxieties](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/07/11/minor-symptoms-major-anxieties/) - A few weeks ago, I took a huge leap of faith, packed up my bags, and got on a plane to the Big City. As the skyline came into view, the realization of what I was doing for the next two months hit me a hundred times harder than the impact of touching down on
- [3 Years Later... The Beginning of the End?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/06/20/3-years-later-the-beginning-of-the-end/) - Three years ago today, I published my first post on this blog. At the time, I was in a downwards spiral, falling apart and losing my mind. My doctors were baffled and running out of treatment options, and I was threatening to take my life. But then, my family figured out I had PANDAS/PANS. Thus
- [Why I Almost Quit Lyme Treatment](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/05/03/why-i-almost-quit-lyme-treatment/) - On Thursday morning, I woke up and immediately knew something was very wrong. My whole body ached. I had an awful headache. I was dizzy. I was too nauseous to even think about food or water. It was that familiar set of symptoms that meant one thing: I was in for a terrible Lyme
- [Why I'm Working through PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/04/17/why-im-working-through-pans/) - A couple weeks ago, I was elated to find out that I’d been accepted for a summer writing internship! This wasn’t just any job offer, but a highly competitive internship that I’ve worked towards and dreamed about for years. It seemed so surreal that this door had finally opened! Unfortunately, I quickly came crashing back
- [The True Meaning of "Tired"](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/02/20/the-true-meaning-of-tired/) - When people ask how I’m doing these days, I never know how to answer, so I just say to everyone: “I’m tired.” But this isn’t a tired that can be relieved with a good night’s sleep, a break from school, or a hot cup of coffee—this is a tired that penetrates my very soul. It’s
- [Why I Look Forward to Tomorrow](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/01/31/why-i-look-forward-to-tomorrow/) - Last week, as I climbed into bed and turned out the lights, I experienced something very strange: I realized I was looking forward to my tomorrow. In that moment, it struck me that after ten years of PANS, I couldn’t recall the last time I was truly excited about waking up for another day. It’s
- [In Response to Your Lyme Questions...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/01/25/in-response-to-your-lyme-questions/) - Ever since I announced my Lyme diagnosis, I’ve been inundated with questions from readers. While I’m not qualified to give anyone medical advice, I'll gladly share my own personal experiences. Given the number of messages I've received, I figured I should answer the most common questions in a post for all of you, so here
- [Why I'm Struggling through College... For the 8th Time](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/01/17/struggling-through-college-the-8th-time/) - It was with a truckload of emotions that I pulled up to my apartment last Monday night, before my eighth semester of college. While being at school means seeing my friends again and keeping busy with interesting things, it also usually means grinding myself into pieces as I try to get all the required work
- [Lyme Disease: A Still, Silent Battle](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2017/01/02/lyme-disease-a-still-silent-battle/) - “It’s Lyme disease.” They were three words that shattered all of my expectations for recovery from PANS… Three words that I still struggle to accept… Three words that are going to change my life… The other week, I was officially diagnosed with Lyme and some co-infections (Babesia and Relapsing Fever, in my case) at a
- [The Puppy Is Alive!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/12/19/the-puppy-is-alive/) - With another semester of college done, I can truly say I thrived under exceedingly difficult circumstances. Several months ago, I vowed to stop trying to live up to the expectations people had for me as a top student in my program, but instead, I ended up exceeding them with yet more awards and accolades—I got
- [Why I'm Finally Choosing Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/11/29/why-im-finally-choosing-recovery/) - Anorexia nervosa: two words that hold an unspeakable amount of pain and torment; an illness that takes over your mind and ravages your body; a disease that kills 5% of its victims; a nightmare that ruins your life; a condition that might happen to other people, but not to me… Until it did. After more
- [The PANDAS Games](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/11/07/the-pandas-games/) - During one of my many insomniac nights recently, I found myself watching the second Hunger Games movie, Catching Fire. While I knew this wouldn’t exactly soothe me to sleep, there was one quote in particular that’s haunted me continuously: Haymitch: No one ever wins the Games… There are survivors. There are no winners. Lately, I’ve
- [How PANS Really Feels](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/10/25/how-pans-really-feels/) - “Mom, I want to die!” I burst into the living room screaming, a look of sheer terror in my eyes. “Please… Help me!” I plead as I crumple into a heap on the sofa, wailing and yelling at the top of my lungs. I’m being tortured—a sinus infection is causing my immune system to attack
- [Why I'm Not Living up to Your Expectations](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/09/12/why-im-not-living-up-to-your-expectations/) - Last semester, when some of my work got a major recognition, my college experience transformed. I quickly went from being the quiet kid with few friends to the student that everyone in my department knew about. People who’d barely spoken to me before were now congratulating me and asking for advice. And I finally got
- [Stuck in the In-Between](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/08/29/stuck-in-the-in-between/) - The other day, when my high school best friend and I met for one last goodbye before returning to college, at one point, she asked what I was looking forward to most about going back to school. And then, it hit me: I wasn’t looking forward to much of anything about my senior year. If
- [IVIG #3: Third Time's a Charm](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/08/16/ivig-3-third-times-a-charm/) - Today, just two weeks after my third IVIG, I’m happy to say I’ve made tremendous progress. I’m no longer afraid of food and calories, so I’ve probably gained back about half of the weight I lost. I’ve gotten strong enough to run (slowly). My POTS symptoms are basically gone, and my parents have told me
- [A Ghost in My Own Life](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/07/05/a-ghost-in-my-own-life/) - With this latest relapse, I’ve been living as a ghost in my own life. In a single day, I went from eagerly and excitedly whittling away at homework for my summer classes, to crying at the thought of writing a single paragraph of a paper. I went from enjoying meals and coffees with my friends,
- [The Terrible 2's?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/06/20/the-terrible-2s/) - This week, I celebrate my two-year blogiversary. I started The Dreaming Panda when I was at my absolute worst—I couldn’t walk, I’d lost thirteen pounds, I could barely stay awake, and I was morbidly depressed. This means it’s been two years since that first trip to the ER when everything got so bad and precipitated
- ["Just" My Parents?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/06/06/just-my-parents/) - With another year of college behind me, I recently packed up my apartment and headed home. Although I was unbelievably busy this semester and definitely overworked at times, I had a great junior year. I've truly put down roots in the college town where I spend the school year now, so it was with mixed
- [Why Antibiotics Are Necessary for PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/05/09/why-antibiotics-are-necessary-for-pans/) - Since being diagnosed with PANS, I’ve been on antibiotics for twenty months straight, save for one two-week break. I’ll continue until six months after my last symptom, or at the very least, through my senior year of college. Over these months, I’ve tried a variety of antibiotics, including Augmentin XR and Cefdinir, but it was
- [One Wrong Step and...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/04/29/one-wrong-step-and/) - I know I said I'd start a series on the different treatments I've tried, but I'm pausing to tell you why I haven't been able to post in several weeks… I caught some terrible virus and have been having symptoms again. As a result, I got behind in school, so I've had to use all
- [Treatment Is a Kitchen Sink?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/03/29/treatment-is-a-kitchen-sink/) - When I was first diagnosed with PANDAS in 2014, my doctor said the treatment plan was to give me “the whole kitchen sink.” In other words, I would receive the full range of therapies, many of them all at once. It was unscientific, since this made it hard to tell which treatments turned out to
- [PANS: Certainty of Uncertainty](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/03/10/pans-certainty-of-uncertainty/) - To me, one of the most difficult parts of recovering from PANS is how, just when you think you’re done having symptoms, your life can change again in a day. Sometimes, I feel like with PANS, the only certainty you have is the uncertainty of the course of the illness. Last week, I’d been doing
- [Who Put Sludge in My Brain?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/02/22/who-put-sludge-in-my-brain/) - When I think about what a PANS flare looks like, rage episodes, wild involuntary movements, crippling OCD, short-term memory loss, and panic attacks are what normally come to my mind. In the past, this was my experience. It used to be that, whenever I was fighting off any virus or infection, I basically lost my
- [PANS and Romance: It's Complicated](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/02/15/pans-and-romance-its-complicated/) - This Valentine’s Day was my twentieth in a row of being single. Some of you have noticed my lack of discussion regarding my romance life, and a few have asked whether or not I’ve been able to date while dealing with PANS. The answer is... It's complicated. I’ll soon be twenty-one, but I’ve never had
- [Flare or Fluke?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/01/27/flare-or-fluke/) - Yesterday, I humiliated myself in front of the whole class. Most days now, I feel that I have my mind back—that I can actually think without anxiety and malfunctioning cognitive processes clouding my every thought. But every once in a while, I do something really strange or stupid, and I find myself truly questioning my
- [New Year News](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2016/01/11/new-year-news/) - I haven’t had time to write a longer post for a few weeks, but I just wanted to assure you that I haven’t disappeared. I’ve been away, not because I’m ill, but because I’m well. In fact, I’d say I’m the best I’ve been in the last nine years. Contrary to what you might expect,
- [Surviving Holidays with PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/12/22/surviving-holidays-with-pans/) - Call me the Grinch, but for people with PANS, the holidays aren’t necessarily “the most wonderful time of the year.” For me, the season brings back painful memories of when I was sicker. Plus, symptoms can be more pronounced when contrasted with holiday activities, family gatherings, and Christmas parties. I love my family and friends,
- [The Day Recovery Began...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/12/14/the-day-recovery-began/) - As I approach final exams this week, I’ve been thinking back to three years ago, when my life changed forever, on December 17th, 2012. At the time, I was seventeen and in my senior year of high school. I was excelling academically, and people told me I'd have a promising career. I was popular with
- [Staying the Course](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/12/07/staying-the-course/) - I’ll never forget when I ran my first half-marathon in May. While some people might remember the elation of achieving such a momentous feat, what I remember most was the pit in my stomach whenever I saw a mile marker—all I could think about was how many more I had left and how impossible it
- [Why I'm Thankful](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/11/30/why-im-thankful/) - With Thanksgiving this week, as I returned home and sat around the table with my family, despite flaring recently, I couldn’t help but be thankful for the progress I’ve made over the last year-and-a-half that allowed me to be at that table—and for the family surrounding me, who helped me get there. As awful as
- [When Strep Attacks...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/11/23/when-strep-attacks/) - Last Friday, I would’ve said I was 100% symptom-free. I went the whole day with no tics or OCD symptoms or depression, and most astonishing of all, I could pay attention in class. My mind was the clearest it’d been in years. But just as I’d put my life back together after the last flare,
- [Can Hamburgers Stop Flares?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/11/16/can-hamburgers-stop-flares/) - I’ll be the first one to admit that there’s pretty much nothing good about having flares or having to take all of the antibiotics and other medications that I take. But, sometimes, in the craziness of it all, I just have to laugh at my circumstances—especially when there’s a hamburger on my bottle of Cefdinir,
- [PANDAS, Described in 1 Word](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/11/09/pandas-described-in-1-word/) - To be faced with PANDAS is to have a lot of debilitating symptoms and feelings all at once that, in essence, make you lose who you are. There is much to say about what it feels like to have PANDAS, but if I had to sum up my experience in one word, I would say…
- [Why I Run in the Rain](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/11/02/why-i-run-in-the-rain/) - It’s 8 AM on a Saturday, and rather than sleeping in as you might expect for a college student, I’m lacing up my running shoes and getting ready to bolt across town. However, this weekend, when I opened my blinds, I almost pulled the covers back over me; I saw it was raining with no
- [Until the Victory Is Mine](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/10/26/until-the-victory-is-mine/) - One of the hardest things about PANDAS is that you never know what it’s going to do next. Just as you’ve finally gotten your life back, it can strike again. Or just as you’re sure the fight is hopeless, things might turn a corner. Sometimes, it seems like there’s no rhyme or reason to its
- [Quietly Out of Control](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/10/21/quietly-out-of-control/) - When most people who’ve dealt with PANDAS or PANS think about being out of control, what probably comes to mind are episodes of rage, debilitating OCD, constant tics, and panic attacks. While these things are the most characteristic of the disorder, during the last few weeks, I’ve been finding that sometimes, you can be out-of-control
- [OCD Week: Unlocking The Box](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/10/13/ocd-week-unlocking-the-box/) - A few months ago during one of my trips home, I came across an old lock-box where I used to hide things as a child, but I couldn’t remember what I would’ve put in it. Tiny toys? Candy? Secret notes? What I found there instead shocked me. The box was filled to the brim, and
- [Why I’m Better, Not Over It](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/09/28/why-im-better-not-over-it/) - This week, I woke up and cried. 99% of the time, I focus on how wonderful it is to be in remission, and I don't allow myself to think about how awful my life used to be. I don't let myself feel sorry for myself. I try to not dwell on the past. But several
- [ADHD: The Struggle Is Real](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/09/21/adhd-the-struggle-is-real/) - It’s 3 AM on a Saturday night, and I’m not even close to being ready to sleep. Am I out late partying like some other college students? No, I’m unwillingly sitting on the couch doing nothing and putting off going to bed for no good reason, after trying and failing to get any homework done
- [Why I'm Glad I Got Sick](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/09/14/why-im-glad-i-got-sick/) - It was the first full week of class, and just like Freshman year, I had gotten sick. My body ached. My head pounded. I felt exhausted. When you have PANS, getting sick is often far worse than just feeling tired and congested—in the past, a simple virus could send me into a full-blown flare of
- [The New Me... Maskless](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/09/07/the-new-me-maskless/) - A few days ago, as I strapped on my backpack and headed out the door for the first day of the school year, I couldn’t help but be excited to start my first semester as a healthy person. How wonderful it would be to do college without debilitating neurological symptoms! As I’ve said in previous
- [Why This Year Isn't Last Year](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/08/31/why-this-year-isnt-last-year/) - This week, I’ll be starting my third year of college. While this may not seem like a big deal, to me, it feels like a miracle, considering how sick I was just a couple months ago. I’ve been doing very well ever since my tonsillectomy. However, it’s one thing to be well while resting at
- [Am I Twenty or Twelve?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/08/24/am-i-twenty-or-twelve/) - After battling PANS for the past nine years of my life, I’ve been forced to grow up too quickly while being stuck as a child. I’ve had to mature to face up to my circumstances, but I’ve had to count on my parents to take care of me more than most others my age have.
- [What I Wish I Knew Before IVIG](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/08/17/what-i-wish-i-knew-before-ivig/) - Last week, I celebrated the one-year mark since my first IVIG. It’s hard to believe it’s already been a year, yet my recovery has seemed to go so much slower than I thought it would. There are many things that no one ever told me before my first IVIG. I was warned about the fatigue
- ["You're Better."](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/08/10/youre-better/) - “You’re better.” Those are two words I never thought I’d hear from my doctor. But this week, I finally did. As my mom and I made the trip to my doctor’s office this week, I couldn’t help but feel that things were different this time—and most of all, that I was different. I was more
- [I Didn't Fall Off The Cliff!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/08/03/i-didnt-fall-off-the-cliff/) - “Let’s climb up over here,” I told my hiking partner, my feet digging into the mud of the riverbank. “This looks like the easiest—aah!” I fell through a heap of brush and sticks that I’d mistakenly trusted for my next step. I caught myself between a log and the dirt, banging up my knee and
- [Did I Lose My Mind to a… Sink?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/07/20/did-i-lose-my-mind-to-a-sink/) - Serratia marcescens… What in the world is that? An Italian dish? An exotic island town? Neither. It’s the name of a bacteria that you’ve probably never heard of—a bacteria that had taken up residence in my tonsils. Serratia can be found anywhere, but it thrives in hospitals and in damp spaces like bathrooms. If you
- [Why Bedtime Can Be Terrifying](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/07/13/why-bedtime-can-be-terrifying/) - Tap, tap, tap. It’s 2 AM, and someone is at my bedroom door. I bolt awake and hold still so they don’t know I’m in the room. I slowly reach for my phone and think about texting my parents to come help me. But I’m all alone. No one is at the door. I’m hallucinating
- [Tonsillectomy and... Hope?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/07/06/tonsillectomy-and-hope/) - When I first found out that I needed a tonsillectomy, I made three appointments with three different doctors at two hospitals. While this may sound excessive, based on past experiences, I knew the first doctor or two might refuse to do the surgery as soon as I mentioned PANDAS, especially since my tonsils looked healthy
- [Goodbye, Tonsils](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/06/29/goodbye-tonsils/) - With one day left until my surgery now, it’s been an interesting week. For the first time in eleven months, I’ve stopped antibiotics completely, so as not to influence the tonsil and adenoid cultures that will be performed. The doctors also told me to stop all supplements, so my pill cases have been extraordinarily empty
- [Happy Birthday, Dreaming Panda](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/06/22/happy-birthday-dreaming-panda/) - This week marks the one-year anniversary of my blog. To say it’s been an incredible year doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’ve come such a long way since I first started writing about this difficult journey—and so has this blog… Last June, I’d hit rockbottom. I was in such bad shape and declining so
- [Am I Nuts?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/06/15/am-i-nuts/) - Recently, a new obsession has been poking my brain: Am I nuts? Given what my illness has put me through in the last year, it's not an unreasonable concern. When I've had bad flares—which can consist of screaming out whatever disturbing thoughts are in my brain, running out of the house or throwing myself into
- [Another Flare, Another Decision](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/06/08/another-flare-another-decision/) - With PANDAS, it’s astonishing how much can change in one day. Last June, I developed a tic disorder and became unable to walk in just a few hours. I’ve spent the year that followed fighting to get my life back. One day this week, I flared again, and it’s already had astonishing repercussions… After a
- [Let It Roll: OCD & Trail Biking](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/06/01/let-it-roll/) - Recently, I’ve taken up trail biking, and strangely, there are a lot of parallels between becoming a trail biker and overcoming OCD… Ever since last summer, I’ve been apprehensive about getting on a bike, considering that my legs used to give out on me frequently when I walked. If one of these attacks happened as
- [IVIG#2, Two Months Later](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/05/26/ivig2-two-months-later/) - As my two-month IVIG follow-up approached, I was sure I would have bad news no matter what. It would be bad news if my doctor decided I needed an invasive plasmapheresis treatment. It would be just as bad if she told me we had to “wait and see” if this second IVIG worked, because certain
- [The Day I Outran My Illness](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/05/18/the-day-i-outran-my-illness/) - There are some moments in life that you can never forget—moments when your whole world is turned upside, for better or worse. Living with PANS, a disease that sets in overnight and flares up in the same way, I’ve had more than my fair share of those life-changing moments. However, another such moment (albeit a
- [Alone](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/05/07/alone/) - While studying in my room one night, I heard laughter and music outside my window and smelled gas and burgers. I looked outside, and half a dozen people were having a wonderful time sitting around a grill, sharing food and stories about upcoming final projects. And that’s when it hit me—I’m so lonely that I
- [I Don't Know Anymore](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/04/30/i-dont-know-anymore/) - Well, after dreading it and hoping and praying it wouldn’t happen again, I’ve just had another bad flare. On my way to class last week, I overheard someone say she had Strep throat. No. I can’t flare again, I thought to myself. It’s not going to happen. I’m still on antibiotics. I’ve had two IVIGs.
- [My Last Piece of Freedom](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/04/20/my-last-piece-of-freedom/) - Last summer, over the course of a few hours, I suddenly became unable to walk due to an autoimmune attack in my brain. If I tried to go from my living room to the kitchen, I fell multiple times because my legs would suddenly give out. In one moment of insight during that horrendous time
- [My First "Normal" Summer?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/04/15/my-first-normal-summer/) - This week, I have wonderful news… Instead of moving home for the summer like I’d planned, I’ve decided to remain at school to take classes and work. While this may sound like a “normal” summer for an almost-20-year-old, for me, it’s a huge victory. Not too long ago, I hated everything and wanted nothing more
- [What's It Like to Survive a Flare?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/04/06/whats-it-like-to-survive-a-flare/) - This week, I finally hit the post-IVIG flare that we were all dreading. Thanks to a six-day burst of high-dose Prednisone, I've come out of it now, but I hope I don't have to go through that ever again. Unfortunately, I probably will. Until my most recent IVIG, my flares were getting worse and worse.
- [IVIG #2: I'm Finally Aware](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/03/25/ivig-2-im-finally-aware/) - I just finished my second, and hopefully last, IVIG treatment! Recently, I’d been feeling like I’d made no progress with any of my symptoms after my first IVIG. But strangely, it was the process of going back for another IVIG that showed me this was simply untrue. When I had the first IVIG in August,
- [Bring Me Back](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/03/16/bring-me-back/) - As spring break approached, I did everything I could to avoid answering that dreaded question: "What are you doing over break?" "Oh, I'm just taking a short trip and then going home and resting," I told most people. But the whole truth is that I'll be sitting in my doctor's office for two days hooked up
- [The Blame Game](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/03/09/the-blame-game/) - After eight years of searching for a diagnosis and then finally discovering I had PANDAS, it wasn’t enough for my family and I to simply know what my illness was. We wanted to know what caused it and who or what could be responsible: Why did I get sick? What could've been done so that
- [Losing My Mind... Halfway](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/03/02/losing-my-mind-halfway/) - Lately, I’ve been having a harder and harder time with cognitive problems. I make stupid mistakes in school now that I’d never make in the past. I say the wrong words without knowing it. I mix up left and right as if I were six years old. I’m very forgetful. I do a lot of
- [Slamming the Door on OCD](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/02/23/slamming-the-door-on-ocd/) - It’s just a doorknob—just a little piece of metal attached to my door. For most people, it’s an overlooked necessity that doesn’t get a second thought. But for me, it’s a peril. Until a few days ago, I’d gone the entire school year without ever touching my bathroom’s doorknob. I avoided this by either leaving
- [The Run of My Life](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/02/16/the-run-of-my-life/) - Recently, I signed up to run in my first half-marathon. I was planning to cross the finish line this summer as the ultimate way to overcome PANDAS. I was hoping to be able to say, “Nine months ago, I couldn’t walk, but today, I'm totally healthy and symptom-free!” But my plans have been ruined, and
- [Falling Off](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/02/02/falling-off/) - Even though I love to decorate my room, when I moved into my apartment in August, I could only muster the willpower to put just a handful of small pictures on my bulletin board. During my Freshman year, I’d made my room look like “an Athenian palace,” as one friend put it—at least when I
- [Why Kids with PANDAS Are Brave](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/01/26/why-kids-with-pandas-are-brave/) - Recently, I had the chance to meet with a family who had two kids with PANS. We had some great conversations, and I’ll probably write a whole other post about our meeting another time. But there was one exchange between me and the seven-year-old that I can’t stop thinking about: Me: “You’re very brave.” Little
- [Am I Better Yet?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/01/19/am-i-better-yet/) - Ever since I started treatment this summer, I’ve found myself constantly asking, “Am I better yet?” When I got IVIG, I’d hoped maybe I would start getting better within a few weeks. Whenever I had a good day, I started to think I was getting better. But then the symptoms would come back, and I’d
- [What I Learned from Losing My Wallet](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/01/12/what-i-learned-from-losing-my-wallet/) - Recently, I had the misfortune of losing my wallet. Anyone would be upset and worried about losing something that contained your credit and ATM cards, driver’s license, school ID, cash, car keys, and apartment keys. But I had another concern: as soon as you open my wallet, you can see a medical information card that
- [My 6-Mile Run... To the Pharmacy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2015/01/05/my-6-mile-run-to-the-pharmacy/) - Managing my medications is a big production. If I didn’t have a pill case, there’s no way I could possibly remember to take all eleven things each day. Every week, I sit down and fill the case for the week. It takes half-an-hour. It used to take longer when my OCD was worse and I
- [How Do I Stay Positive?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/12/29/how-do-i-stay-positive/) - When I look back at the last few months and think about everything I’ve been through, I’m often surprised by my own resilience. What keeps me going? Why do I not give up? And I think to myself, “How in the world do I stay so positive?” The answer? I don’t. In our society, there’s
- [IVIG: Four-Month Update!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/12/22/ivig-four-month-update/) - It’s been over four months since I had IVIG—and six months since the abrupt onset of my tics and other movement problems. On the whole, I’d say I’m much better. I’ve even started tapering off the steroids. The way I put it with my family is that I finally feel like a person again. I’m
- [Getting Over the Trauma of OCD](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/12/15/getting-over-the-trauma-of-ocd/) - I usually say I’m mostly free from my OCD. Indeed, I no longer have to cancel out every intrusive thought that enters my mind, and I don’t have to double-check everything I say or write for a blasphemous double-meaning. Without hesitation, I can read passages of Scripture that once sent me into a full-blown panic
- [I Run 5 Miles, but I Can't Walk 50 Feet](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/12/08/i-run-5-miles-but-i-cant-walk-50-feet/) - Suddenly losing the ability to walk at nineteen years old is terrifying and heartbreaking. I never thought it would happen to me, but this summer, it did. In a matter of twenty-four hours, I became unable to walk across a room without falling down multiple times. While this symptom has greatly improved to the point
- [What I Wish I'd Told My Parents](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/12/01/what-i-wish-id-told-my-parents/) - This time of the year is always difficult for me. Seven years ago at this time, I had the worst PANDAS flare of my life and descended into a terrifying world of OCD, odd behavior, insomnia, and depression. For a time, my symptoms completely tore apart my family. I’ll never forget when I first made
- [Steroids Turned Me into a 12-Year-Old Boy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/11/12/steroids-turned-me-into-a-12-year-old-boy/) - It’s been more than three months since I’ve been on Prednisone. I hate the steroid, but I love it, too, because I know it’s the reason I’m able to live a somewhat normal life right now. I would never want to take Prednisone unless I absolutely had to, though, because the side effects are pretty
- [3 Months Post-IVIG: A Wild Ride](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/11/04/3-months-post-ivig-a-wild-ride/) - Today is the three month anniversary of my IVIG treatment. It's hard to believe it's already been that long, but at the same time, it seems like an eternity ago because the last three months have been such a wild and difficult ride. So far, the main improvement I've seen is with the chorea and
- [What I Have to Believe...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/10/24/what-i-have-to-believe/) - In the last two years, nothing has gone as planned. I was supposed to go off to college and start my life again. I was supposed to leave behind the pain of the OCD I had seemingly conquered last year just before my freshman year. I was supposed to move away to let my career
- [Signs of Hope](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/10/09/signs-of-hope/) - For the first time in four months, one night, suddenly, I realized my choreiform movements were gone. When I woke up the next morning, my body felt completely different. That night, I felt a tingling session in my head and legs, as if my brain were healing itself. The next morning, I had a sense
- [Still Falling...  And Getting Back Up](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/09/28/still-falling-and-getting-back-up/) - So I know it’s been awhile since the last post, but it’s been for good and bad reasons. I had two weeks where I almost forgot I had PANDAS sometimes—days where I could get done almost everything I wanted to get done. I was walking normally and having a lot less chorea. My mind was
- [Another Flare...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/08/31/another-flare/) - Last week, I had my worst flare since everything really went downhill in June. I’m happy to say that the flare is gone now (thanks to more Prednisone and maybe the IVIG), but now that I’m coherent again, I thought I’d share what my PANDAS flares can look like. Please bear in mind that every
- [PANDAS Goes to College](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/08/21/pandas-goes-to-college/) - This week, I’m heading back to college. Is that crazy? Probably, but I’m going to try. As it is, my main PANDAS symptoms are choreiform movements/tics, physical and mental fatigue, hand tremors, a bit of OCD, and general anxiety. But I have my mind back. My mood is stable, I feel like myself, and I
- [Battle Scars](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/08/16/battle-scars/) - For much of the summer, my illness was completely invisible, but lately, with one look at me, you know something is going on. If I try to walk around normally, my chorea often makes me look like I’m being electrocuted or like I’m doing some weird dance—but it’s completely involuntary. I have horrible acne from
- [IVIG and the Waiting Game...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/08/07/ivig-and-the-waiting-game/) - So I just got back from IVIG, and it really wasn’t that bad. I did it over two days, with the first day lasting about four hours and the second for six. I still have headaches from it, a bit of nausea, and some fatigue, but I don’t really care, because I feel hopeful that
- [A Day in the Life of Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/07/30/a-day-in-the-life-of-recovery/) - The strange thing about my condition is how suddenly it changed everything about me and my daily experience. Four months ago, though I was sick, you wouldn't have known it—unless you happened to notice me nodding off in class, day after day, after consistent eight or nine-hour nights of sleep—or if you noticed the ever-increasing
- [I Officially Have PANDAS!](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/07/28/i-officially-have-pandas/) - So I went to see a PANDAS specialist this week, and I’ve finally been diagnosed with PANDAS. My doctor was wonderful and finally took my symptoms seriously. She even said my mysterious illness from 2006-2007 may have been Rheumatic Fever. And unfortunately, she told me I'm not just having tics, but also chorea, which could
- [Is Looking at My Medical Records Really Too Much to Ask?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/07/19/an-open-letter-to-a-medical-administrator-who-doesnt-care-at-all/) - This week, I’m going to be seeing three neurologists including one PANDAS specialist. As you can imagine, I’m very nervous but also excited about the possibility of figuring out what has gone on with me for the past eight years. In order to prepare for the appointments, I’ve been trying to get my hands on
- [Takin' Roids](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/07/14/takin-roids/) - I’m no doctor, but recent developments have shown I almost certainly have PANDAS or PANS. A standard way to see if symptoms are autoimmune-related is to do a steroid burst for five days. The theory is that if inflammation is the culprit, the symptoms will improve with the steroids. It doesn’t work for some true
- ["You're Just Tired"](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/07/07/youre-just-tired/) - So I tried Xyrem for a week, and I did sleep like a baby. It was actually wonderful—I would wake up in the morning feeling completely rested and not feeling like I needed twenty more hours of sleep. I hadn’t felt that way for eight years. But it upset my stomach so badly that I
- [De(pressed)ad Again...](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/06/30/depressedad-again/) - I don’t even know where to start since I last wrote. I seriously think I’m going crazy. The other night, I got in a really bad way. During the day, I would just sit down and stare into space, because that was all I could do. I had no concentration whatsoever. Whenever I tried to
- [Why I Can't Stand All These Meds](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/06/25/why-i-cant-stand-all-these-meds/) - So, my Xyrem finally came. For my non-narcoleptic readers, Xyrem is one of the meds used to treat narcolepsy and cataplexy, but it’s a controlled substance with only one pharmacy in the US that makes it. After getting a prescription from the doctor, I had to go through two weeks of phone calls from nurses
- [My 8 Year Journey Into the Wormhole of Rare Diseases](https://thedreamingpanda.com/2014/06/20/my-8-year-journey-into-the-wormhole-of-rare-diseases/) - Hello world! Welcome to my recovery blog. I’m a teenager that has Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, OCD, and another undiagnosed illness that is suspected to be PANS (Pediatric Acute Neuropsychiatric Syndrome) or PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcus). I’m writing this blog to raise awareness for my conditions and hopefully, to inspire others to not

## Pages

- [Contact](https://thedreamingpanda.com/contact/) - Most questions about diagnosing PANS/PANDAS and how to find a doctor can be answered at the following sites: ASPIRE: Diagnosing PANS/PANDAS Neuroimmune Foundation: Find a Clinician (includes those who treat adults) Neuroimmune Foundation: Resources to share with your local doctor For my personal diagnosis story, see: How I Was Diagnosed with PANS When I Was
- [PANS/PANDAS Information and Resources](https://thedreamingpanda.com/resources/) - If you have questions about PANDAS/PANS, you can probably find the answer in the resources below. Over the years, I've found myself repeatedly linking people to certain websites for PANS/PANDAS information and resources. Now I've finally put everything onto one central page. Disclaimer: Nothing on this page constitutes medical advice, and I do not officially
- [Who Am I?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/who-am-i/) - Why Anonymity? Okay, so with a weird name like “The Dreaming Panda,” you’re probably wondering who I really am. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you. :) After much debate, I chose to make this blog anonymous so that I could share as much as possible while maintaining some sense of privacy. I’ve been through far too
- [Support Me](https://thedreamingpanda.com/support-me/) - I'm a big believer in having information free and accessible to everyone, which is why I don't keep my website behind a paywall. However, there are expenses to keep my blog up and running, and every hour I spend blogging is one hour less I have to generate income via my real job. If you
- [About](https://thedreamingpanda.com/about/) - Hi, I'm Iris. If you're here, you'll see I also have a huge passion for advocacy and writing. I have (or have had) a few neuroimmune chronic illnesses to contend with including PANS, ME/CFS, POTS, Lyme and their varying psychiatric consequences... And probably some other diagnoses I'm forgetting. I'm also autistic. My blog focuses on
- [What's PANS/PANDAS?](https://thedreamingpanda.com/whats-pandas/) - What is PANDAS/PANS, you may be wondering? Explaining what is PANS in terms of lists of symptoms doesn't do it justice... Imagine going to bed feeling completely fine one day, then waking up the next with a severe mental illness: suddenly, the world doesn't make sense to you, and you feel detached from reality. You

## Categories

- [Uncategorized](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/uncategorized/)
- [*Top Posts*](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/top-posts/)
- [Advocacy Essays](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/advocacy/)
- [Guest Blogs](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/guest-blogs/)
- [Life with PANS/PANDAS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/life-with-pans-pandas/)
- [Lyme Disease](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/lyme-disease/)
- [ME/CFS, POTS, dysautonomia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/me-cfs/)
- [OCD and Mental Health](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/ocd/)
- [Recovery](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/recovery/)
- [Treatment](https://thedreamingpanda.com/category/treatment/)

## Tags

- [ADD](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/add/)
- [ADHD](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/adhd/)
- [Advice](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/advice/)
- [Allergies](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/allergies/)
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- [Brain Injury](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/brain-injury/)
- [Bulimia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/bulimia/)
- [Cataplexy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/cataplexy/)
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- [hypersomnia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/hypersomnia/)
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- [Medicine](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/medicine/)
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- [Mental Health](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/mental-health/)
- [Migraine](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/migraine/)
- [Myalgic E](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/myalgic-e/)
- [Myalgic Encephalomyelitis](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/myalgic-encephalomyelitis/)
- [Narcolepsy](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/narcolepsy/)
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- [New Years](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/new-years/)
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- [Pain](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/pain/)
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- [Phobia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/phobia/)
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- [POTS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/pots/)
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- [PTSD](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/ptsd/)
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- [Dyspraxia](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/dyspraxia/)
- [Autism](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/autism/)
- [PANDAS/PANS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/pandas-pans/)
- [PANS/PANDAS](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/pans-pandas/)
- [Neurodiversity](https://thedreamingpanda.com/tag/neurodiversity/)